you know me. always stolen words.

to you, lovely. always.


and to you. I really wish I had known you.

there is a world where emotion is prohibited. sometimes I wish for that world.

is it normal how we as humans are drawn to each other? I suppose, for we are.
it's interesting noticing *who we are drawn to, and how we so often ignore and forget those who we aren't drawn to. how we so often don't give people chances. we judge. and we never care to find out if we could have had a lifetime knowing that person.
it's interesting noticing those words. drawn to. like some invisible string connects our hearts.
and how sometimes that invisible string somehow contracts into itself, allowing life to bring us closer.
it's interesting noticing how often we rip those strings from our hearts, and separate ourselves from those we love. for whatever reason. any reason we see fit. any reason which forces us.

that feeling of..."I want to spend the rest of my life with this person."
that feeling when they say yes. or when they say no. when they say that they don't want you to ask. please, please don't ask, my love. they say this. and you feel something. what does it mean?

this is all just a jumble of thoughts in my head, oddly enough brought on by a scene in an episode of Heroes. none of it makes sense. but I've made this blog an outlet. so I use it.

it seems as though all humans should be connected. we're all the same. all of us in this world together. why don't we band together, why don't we help each other? why does it have to be everyone for themselves? I ask this, I want this, yet...I can't do it. I am angry with someone.
I know it's all in my head. I know I could be perfectly content with that person in my world. but for some reason, I refuse to. I think if I...allow myself to be okie with it, nothing will make sense. I'll be letting go. and at this moment, I can't do that. I'll sob and beg and laugh and pretend, but I won't let go. some things you can't...until time rusts away the memory. then only ashes remain.

there's no way I can put to words all these thoughts in my head tonight. some will be lost, some will appear on another page at another time.
at the end of the day, all I know is...I am. I am being breathed. I am a presence in this space at this time. and I continue.
my body aches, and my heart aches, but I know these invisible strings from my heart, the strong ones, the ones that waver, the ones that are nearly completely shattered, they are attached to some other amazing hearts. and without you, I wouldn't be. I love you.

it rained all night long. we'd thought it'd never stop. here in my little room we counted every drop...

I watched you sleeping
quietly in my bed
you don't know this now
but there's some things that need to be said
it's all that I can give
it's more than I can bear
but if I fall and hurt myself
would you know how to fix me
if I forgot who I am
would you please remind me
because without you things go hazy.


"my favorite body part is my heart because it is the only thing I have to give to stormy llewellyn.
furthermore, the beat of it, when I wake each morning, is my first best evidence that I have not, during the night, joined the community of the stubbornly lingering dead."


The Light shine on you.
And the Creator shelter you.
The last embrace of the mother welcome you home.

bad pictures, but pictures nonetheless...

so. I have finally cleaned the house...sorta. and found a camera that halfway works...still quite a bit blurry, though. so here they are, for all you millions of people out there who wanted to see our house.

bedroom.

livingroom. plan to reupholster that couch at some point.


our porch is a complete mess. ;)

top windows and temporary curtains.

other couch. it all faces the tv, don't think I got a picture of it. plan is to buy a flatscreen to put up on the wall on the corner of the house that couch faces. lots of plans. ;)

wee.

amazing dishwasher.

part of the kitchen.

sweet knife rack.

bathroom.

shower. our newest addition/accomplishment.

here it is:

sexy, no?

we're pretty much working on bills right now. eventually we'll get bookshelves, blinds, finish the ceiling, etc. but this is it right now. ;)

read from the lovely lady's book...

Arizona curled up with California. then she tried to hide the whole thing from New Mexico, who knew before he saw them making out in Yuma that she had been loving someone else new.
New Mexico has always hated California, though he knew that Arizona wore the pants. he got loaded and started throwing punches. The poor Injun never had a chance.



"A long December and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last."

I must ask, is there reason?
and will there ever be a better or worse year than the last?

I suppose that is why there is a maybe, my love.

and I really really hoped I wouldn't die. and I really really hoped I wouldn't die...

she was lying on a table.
there was a strange man standing above her.
he explained to her what she was and how she came to be. he told her that he was the same being she was. that his group was all the same as she.
he explained that she had no choice. he was going to change her. like he had been changed. like he changed his group. she had no choice. he said it was for the best.

it was a blur from then.
she remembered being taught the way. the right way to live in her condition.
she remembered being punished for attacking a human in a moment of weakness. they forced her to attack one of their own.
one of their own that had no concern for the human life. one of their own that was not one of their own. there was no hope for these.
it devastated her. she learned.

training.

they took her to a massive weapons building.
they chose for her flame and a blade.
then they taught her how to use them.

training.

she didn't recall her emotions from this time.
she was willing to change.
her mind was set on that thought only.

they took her to a large building where she was to protect someone.
they partnered her with another of her kind.
the slight feeling of freedom caused her to become foolish.
and she drank.

he sent an attack.
she was caught off guard.
she was not in her right mind.
she couldn't penetrate them with her flame.
they were nearly completely resilient to her blade.
she couldn't see.
she couldn't think.
her mind was too altered to save herself, let alone her guard.

he had nearly finished her off when her partner finally crashed into the room.
together, they fought them off.
together, they killed them.


the sky was dark.
the rain was falling heavily.
she looked up, smiling at the feeling of the sky on her face.
she shot off from the ground, rising higher and higher.

was it possible she could finally be at peace?

this is what you see when you close your eyes?

it was an odd beginning.
there was nothing.
empty space. darkness.

then it began to rain.
heavy rain. thick rain.
the sky remained dark.
there was simply...rain.

then her mind was created. and she came into consciousness.
without really understanding how or why, she shot off from the ground.
she was angry. so angry she was shaking. so angry she could do anything she believed would save her. hence, she was in the air. in the rain. all her mind could feel was hate and bitterness.

the rain pelting against her face was her only consolation.
she was rising quickly, addicted to the feeling, as if it was the only thing in the universe keeping her alive. and whether she realized it or not, it was true.

then she began to wonder. why? how did it come to this?
she couldn't remember. but she knew she knew she was...different.
it was...something else.

then she was back on the ground.
and then she knew. the moment the rain stopped, everything changed.

the moment she saw the child, the rain stopped.
and she no longer had control over her mind or body.
within minutes, she had pounced, grabbing the child tightly in her arms. she squeezed her neck until she was no longer conscious, but kept her breathing. she didn't know how or why, but she knew this was the way.
she felt no need to see if anyone was watching her. there was no one else. this was the way.
she also knew the next few moments were going to be the most satisfying she had ever felt.

the child was limp in her arms. she subconsciously felt two teeth slide out between her lips. she was thirsty. so thirsty...
she leaned down next to the child's face, smelling her. her scent was intoxicating.
she took a moment, trying to decide whether she wanted it open or closed. it didn't really matter, but she felt as if it was important. she decided it would have to be open. and so it was. forcefully.
she sank her teeth into the left entire eyelid and eyeball. it tore roughly between her lips. then she paused. she could hardly breathe, it felt so amazing. so delicious. so...satisfying. she ate almost in a hurry, not even worrying about savoring it. the blood was...filling her with...life.

she slipped into a frenzied feeding. a blissful feeding.


she woke up in chains in a strange building. she had no recollection of her life for the first 23 seconds.