I'd catch a grenade for ya...

I feel hope.
I can feel it within my grasp...so close, it's like a thin film separating me from life.
it's the thin film that has been reinforced every day by my own blindness...until now.
something changed. I'm not sure what.

maybe it's because one of my close friends is pregnant. and I feel the need to be strong for her.
maybe it's because my phone just lit up two seconds ago saying I have a text from a dear old friend, Alma.
maybe it's because I just got a promotion.

but I can feel it...it's so close. I just have to reach out and break that film...



So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways, all my underdogs
We will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and
Raise your glass!
Just come on and come on and
Raise your glass!

so...?

Today, I have felt despair.

Time flies too quickly. It simply...disappears. Sometimes I don't quite know how to be okie with it.
People die, people leave, people try to kill you...you try to kill yourself. You try to escape in any way possible...it's like the song, "you bleed just to know you're alive." Sometimes it just feels to difficult to continue living.

now...

Cleo died.

Atm, we have Dmitri and Nelson Mandela.

12.31 in the AM

today, I remembered the good times...

why don't I feel better?

you can stand under my umbrella...

Phil and Delaney...finally married. ;)


yay for new sisters. ;) love you girls.

you've torn off every hand that's tried to feed you...

today, I have felt a wicked amount of emotions.

I have felt sad. definitely scared. just a tiny bit jealous. happy. lucky. pain.
...lonely.
confused.

today, I feel the weight of air.

if you would only look at me someday...without your eyes turning away.

"without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's..."

the newest addition. can't wait to show you, Mattie. ;)

blue...

I'm going to get my tattoo today, Mattie. I'm unusually nervous.
I wish I could talk to you about it...I miss you.

for me...

this song speaks to me. i'm not afraid.

OH MAN...

I love this beast. it's finally mine. :D

and your name, sir?

today, I feel sick.

I worked from 10am to 11pm. it went pretty well, but there are always those ridiculous people you wait on that make your job hell. some are simply outright rude, some yell at you, some ignore you, some steal from you. but some are nice, very few make you smile. I miss you, Tommy and Michael. you always make my day a million times better. thanks for being amazing.

I bought everything I needed for my aquarium. everything is setup, I just need to buy my fish now. ;) I'm pretty excited. everyone makes fun of me for wanting one...I think they're just jealous. it's going to be the happiest fish ever.

I'm hoping to have enough money by next week to finally get my tattoo I've been meaning to get since January. in January, I had enough money saved up, but my artist was setting up his new shop. then the money had to go to bills, and when he finally got his shop set up...I had no money. so I'm saving again. hopefully soon. ;)

speaking of, I bought a bike. a '95, 750 yamaha virago. oh man. I love it. my first ever vehicle and the best, as well. I've never learned to drive a standard car, so this is my first time learning gears/shifting manually. it's been pretty interesting, but I think I'm finally getting the hang of it. it's so exciting, I absolutely love it.

life has been throwing punches lately. I wish it were kinder. but it's all in my head. and also, all my fault. so I have to take them. and live with them.
but Andy is my life saver. and he'll never leave or forsake me. and for him, I live.

alright.

don't want a paper gangsta

I've been very confused lately.
I don't understand why I'm here lately.
I'm a bit lost.

I don't want to be scared anymore.

the times, they are a'changin...

I'm trying to be a new person. Andy says that we are reborn every second. and that we are constantly changing. I'm trying to become more aware of who I am. and the fact that I have changed. I try to block the pain out, I always have. I try to run away.....I always have.
to some extent, I still block things out. and I still run away. but I'm going to try to be aware of it now. and to own my decisions. and to stop blaming other people for shit I've messed up. that one is a big one, and it gives me too many excuses. so I'm working on it.
also, I want to consciously make the decision to change. but it's going to be difficult. I can't begin to imagine...where I would be without my husband. I'm not going to take him for granted anymore. Andy is my entire life. I am seriously indebted to the Being who gave me my life with him.

I had a good time tonight, hanging out with other people. for the first time in a really long time. I just kinda let go...and said to hell with it. I'm tired of pretending. so for tonight, I'm going to laugh if I want to. and I did. and certain conversations still saddened me. but when it happened, I realized it. and I sat in the sadness for a few seconds. and then I let it pass by.

I don't have much else to say tonight. except that...I'm sorry.

I'm incredibly grateful to this man asleep in my bed tonight. I love him.

may twelfth...

happy birthday today to the lovely and amazing Flix.

happy birthday to my brother in law, Benjamin.

and happy birthday to my dad tomorrow...;)

I hope today has been a day to remember. ;)

you make me happy, my love...

today, I miss you.

I want to let you know that I love you.
I will always love you.
for as long as God gives me breath.


the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything.
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end.

everyone I know
goes away in the end.

I can't believe it's been 7 months...

today, I laughed.

sometimes, I think we forget how to. or I do. I'm kinda relearning the little things. and I have the lovely Lydia to thank for that. she probably doesn't know that she has helped me through all this shit in the weirdest way. she can always make me laugh, no matter what, and she always puts up with me. I'm going to miss her so much.

worked a double today...the first of 3 or 4 in a row. should rack up some hours, get some money in the bank for upcoming bills. :S oh well.

not much has been going on. alot of work.

looking forward to July...Phil and D's wedding...seeing Kristy. I miss that lady.

I'm also kinda looking forward to this year....it's weird. I haven't looked forward to anything in a while. but I'm excited about things this year. first one that stands out is April having her baby. I'm pretty damn excited about that. I haven't been close friends with anyone that has had a baby recently, and I don't remember that feeling of holding a baby...so I'm excited about that.

also, I'm turning 21 this year. and in early January of 2011, I want everyone to come to Austin with me to celebrate. and by everyone, I literally mean everyone I know. come get wasted with me. :D

I think that's all I have for now. it's odd being off before 9pm. feels much later. I have to go find something to do....or go to sleep...

just sit back...and watch it fall to pieces...

that part of her heart wanted to die.
it's wanted to shut the pain out for so long.
it's wanted to shut everything out.
she wanted to shut you out. and up. and away.
but she still...clings. to that last bit. that you will always have a claim on.
she hates it.
fucking hates it.
she finally hopes it'll go away.
she finally hopes you will go away.
don't come back.
don't hurt me anymore.

all she wants to do now is finish this
tip the glass to the floor
watch it shatter.
so she will strive and strive reaching for the sky
as she cuts and bleeds
waiting for the day she strives to be
this broken glass thrown into heaven.

I shall name you nixie and you will be my nixie....

today, I went to work. it was boring, but good to be there.

I'm watching the movie, Brothers. it's really quite fascinating. really fantastic acting. I find it so interesting that kids seek so much attention from their parents. they'll do anything to get it. I guess it's normal. but it's scary at the same time. so much about kids scare me. they're such smart crazy little fuckers. maybe I'll have some of my own someday, and I won't be scared of them anymore.

bike night at strbux tonight. cigarettes and coffee and my Andy for just a bit. delicious.

I got to call Pat tonight and talk to him about my tattoo. see when he'll be in next. I've been waiting for ages for this one. I'm pretty psyched about it. I'm so glad Mattie is up for designing all mine for me. he's the best. ;) I'll post some pics when I get it done...maybe next week, unsure yet, tho.

I think that's it for now. happy 4.20 to all. ;)

I really need to finish our Amsterdam trip blog.....

today, I felt surprised by something someone told me.

I woke up feeling so tired and quite hungover this morning. but I had to get up and go to work.
work was...meh, normal. slow. weird churchy people. :S
I came home and fell asleep, then went and played some volleyball with Sam and everyone from work. my team only won once. I think it was because Lydia abandoned us. oh well.

I kinda don't know what to do with myself tonight. so I guess I'm listening to Lily Allen and writing a blog.
I'm tired. I'm glad I finally have a day off tomorrow. Andy and I are planning on going to the bank tomorrow and going to see Tommy. I'm pretty excited. I've really missed seeing him at work lately. he hasn't been coming in as regularly as he usually does. He invited us to go to the lake with him and his family, and I got really excited. I'm looking forward to going sailing this summer. alot. there's always alot of drama involved, and usually weird memories, but there's nothing like getting out in the middle of the lake with the wind and the water. pretty amazing.

if you get bored, visit iheartstrangers.com. he's amazing.

the littlest things...

I don't why I trusted you but I knew that I could.
when I was feeling down, you made that face you do
there's no one in the world that could replace you.

each broken heart will eventually mend...

I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
someday you will be loved.

You'll be loved you'll be loved
like you never have known
the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
just a series of blurs
like I never occurred
someday you will be loved.

I'm only going to break your heart...

Been there done that messed around
I'm having fun don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet.
I won't let you in again
The messages I've tried to send
My information's just not going in.

Burning bridges shore to shore
I'll break away from something more
I'm not to not to love until it's cheap.

Do do do your dirty words
Come out to play when you are heard
There's certain things that should be left unsaid.
Tick tick tick tick on the watch
And life's too short for me to stop
Oh baby, your time is running out.

I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
All you do is fill me up with doubt.

This time baby I'll be bulletproof.

people come to see you where you don't wake up...

I come see you in the summer time
don't know if you know I'm there
bring you lots of flowers in the summer time
picture flowers in your hair...

I lay them down
cover the ground
with the colors I remember that you loved
that summer...

hey...

When the sky is falling from above you
And the wind is raging from the coast
And you want someone who truly loves you
I will be the one who loves you the most.

See, when you forgive your imperfections
And you've auctioned all your clothes
And you look to see your true reflection
You will be the one who loves you the most
You will be the one who loves you the most.

just want to let you know this morning that I love you.

dearest love...I see you...

and I'm running out of patience
to be fucking with this now
you better believe me when I say this now
and I'm packing up my night bag
and I'll be on my way
you better find me sometime
when you have more to say.
and I'm running out of patience
to be fucking with you now
you better believe me when I say this now
and I'm packing up my night bag
and I'll be on my way
you better find me sometime
when you have more to say.

I found this AMAZING blog through Waiter Rant. I have been reading it nonstop ever since I found it. she's fantastic. she speaks to me alot. in a way, she's taught me alot about myself, which is odd. and I kinda don't understand it. but I can't get enough of HER. anyway, check it out. she's a lovely lady.

my head hurts tonight.
but I'm listening to Micah P Hinson. and he makes everything better.

I'm running out of patience
and I'll be on my way.

oh.m.g. numero dos

want to find out what's quite possibly better than the last post? hahaha.

badass

oh.m.g.

edit.

I'm grasping for the proper words.
I can't find them.

not for this.
not for this.

you know my heart.
you have a part of it forever.

I looked for you for so long...
everywhere...in reality...
but I finally found you in my dreams.
I finally...found you.
and as I knelt beside your tombstone, I recognized that...
I'd lost you.
again.
and this time, I know...I can't bring you back.

and despair fills me.
because I know I won't.

spare me, help me, remember me, avenge me...

Say how's the weather, so I look out the window
To brighten my soul, but I can't control the rain
That keeps falling
Smile on the outside that never comes in
A comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream "let the show begin"

You break me open, turn on the light
Stumble inside with me, with me

Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie?
Are you mesmerized?
Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, I put on this hat
I wore all this paint just for you.

you know me. always stolen words.

to you, lovely. always.


and to you. I really wish I had known you.

there is a world where emotion is prohibited. sometimes I wish for that world.

is it normal how we as humans are drawn to each other? I suppose, for we are.
it's interesting noticing *who we are drawn to, and how we so often ignore and forget those who we aren't drawn to. how we so often don't give people chances. we judge. and we never care to find out if we could have had a lifetime knowing that person.
it's interesting noticing those words. drawn to. like some invisible string connects our hearts.
and how sometimes that invisible string somehow contracts into itself, allowing life to bring us closer.
it's interesting noticing how often we rip those strings from our hearts, and separate ourselves from those we love. for whatever reason. any reason we see fit. any reason which forces us.

that feeling of..."I want to spend the rest of my life with this person."
that feeling when they say yes. or when they say no. when they say that they don't want you to ask. please, please don't ask, my love. they say this. and you feel something. what does it mean?

this is all just a jumble of thoughts in my head, oddly enough brought on by a scene in an episode of Heroes. none of it makes sense. but I've made this blog an outlet. so I use it.

it seems as though all humans should be connected. we're all the same. all of us in this world together. why don't we band together, why don't we help each other? why does it have to be everyone for themselves? I ask this, I want this, yet...I can't do it. I am angry with someone.
I know it's all in my head. I know I could be perfectly content with that person in my world. but for some reason, I refuse to. I think if I...allow myself to be okie with it, nothing will make sense. I'll be letting go. and at this moment, I can't do that. I'll sob and beg and laugh and pretend, but I won't let go. some things you can't...until time rusts away the memory. then only ashes remain.

there's no way I can put to words all these thoughts in my head tonight. some will be lost, some will appear on another page at another time.
at the end of the day, all I know is...I am. I am being breathed. I am a presence in this space at this time. and I continue.
my body aches, and my heart aches, but I know these invisible strings from my heart, the strong ones, the ones that waver, the ones that are nearly completely shattered, they are attached to some other amazing hearts. and without you, I wouldn't be. I love you.

it rained all night long. we'd thought it'd never stop. here in my little room we counted every drop...

I watched you sleeping
quietly in my bed
you don't know this now
but there's some things that need to be said
it's all that I can give
it's more than I can bear
but if I fall and hurt myself
would you know how to fix me
if I forgot who I am
would you please remind me
because without you things go hazy.


"my favorite body part is my heart because it is the only thing I have to give to stormy llewellyn.
furthermore, the beat of it, when I wake each morning, is my first best evidence that I have not, during the night, joined the community of the stubbornly lingering dead."


The Light shine on you.
And the Creator shelter you.
The last embrace of the mother welcome you home.

bad pictures, but pictures nonetheless...

so. I have finally cleaned the house...sorta. and found a camera that halfway works...still quite a bit blurry, though. so here they are, for all you millions of people out there who wanted to see our house.

bedroom.

livingroom. plan to reupholster that couch at some point.


our porch is a complete mess. ;)

top windows and temporary curtains.

other couch. it all faces the tv, don't think I got a picture of it. plan is to buy a flatscreen to put up on the wall on the corner of the house that couch faces. lots of plans. ;)

wee.

amazing dishwasher.

part of the kitchen.

sweet knife rack.

bathroom.

shower. our newest addition/accomplishment.

here it is:

sexy, no?

we're pretty much working on bills right now. eventually we'll get bookshelves, blinds, finish the ceiling, etc. but this is it right now. ;)

read from the lovely lady's book...

Arizona curled up with California. then she tried to hide the whole thing from New Mexico, who knew before he saw them making out in Yuma that she had been loving someone else new.
New Mexico has always hated California, though he knew that Arizona wore the pants. he got loaded and started throwing punches. The poor Injun never had a chance.



"A long December and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last."

I must ask, is there reason?
and will there ever be a better or worse year than the last?

I suppose that is why there is a maybe, my love.