I don't want to be scared anymore.

the times, they are a'changin...

I'm trying to be a new person. Andy says that we are reborn every second. and that we are constantly changing. I'm trying to become more aware of who I am. and the fact that I have changed. I try to block the pain out, I always have. I try to run away.....I always have.
to some extent, I still block things out. and I still run away. but I'm going to try to be aware of it now. and to own my decisions. and to stop blaming other people for shit I've messed up. that one is a big one, and it gives me too many excuses. so I'm working on it.
also, I want to consciously make the decision to change. but it's going to be difficult. I can't begin to imagine...where I would be without my husband. I'm not going to take him for granted anymore. Andy is my entire life. I am seriously indebted to the Being who gave me my life with him.

I had a good time tonight, hanging out with other people. for the first time in a really long time. I just kinda let go...and said to hell with it. I'm tired of pretending. so for tonight, I'm going to laugh if I want to. and I did. and certain conversations still saddened me. but when it happened, I realized it. and I sat in the sadness for a few seconds. and then I let it pass by.

I don't have much else to say tonight. except that...I'm sorry.

I'm incredibly grateful to this man asleep in my bed tonight. I love him.

may twelfth...

happy birthday today to the lovely and amazing Flix.

happy birthday to my brother in law, Benjamin.

and happy birthday to my dad tomorrow...;)

I hope today has been a day to remember. ;)

you make me happy, my love...

today, I miss you.

I want to let you know that I love you.
I will always love you.
for as long as God gives me breath.


the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything.
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end.

everyone I know
goes away in the end.