sit here cold...

pain on pain on play repeating.

wait.........don't go just now....

composed of an element so weak, so frail
every time she reaches for the sky, she fails
the escape from her shattered existence

the crack, the cut, the shattered tears that hit the pavement

in this crumbling existence, like a champagne glass held together at its last seams

with every try there's a little more bleeding

the crack, the cut, the shattered tears that hit the pavement

all she wants to do now is finish this
tip the glass to the floor
watch it shatter

so she will strive and strive reaching for the sky
as she cuts and bleeds
waiting for the day she strives to be
this broken glass thrown into heaven

show me what it's like. to dream in black and white. so I can leave this world behind tonight.

you fight me. flat on my lonely face I fell.
in light of the life that I have found
it's coming down.

I don't know what isn't real
but it's easy
to beat me.
life is sink or swim.
love is blinding. no surviving.

I don't know what I want to be yet.
but I can show that I need this.
no time for lies and empty fights.

can we live a life of peace and happiness?
I don't think so.

no denying I am scared to lose the things I love.

this is how it's going to end.
this is how it's going to end.

everyone is waiting here for everyone.
leave me alone.

I just hope to god I can fall into a sleep where I can stay.

that's how you stay alive.
when it hurts so much you can't breathe
that's how you survive.
by remembering that one day
somehow
possibly
you won't feel this way
it won't hurt this much...

grief comes in its own time
for everyone
in its own way

the best we can do
the best anyone can do
is try from honesty...

the really shitty thing
the very worst part of grief
is that you can't control it.

so the best we can do
is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
and let it go when we can.
the very worst part is
the minute you think you're past it
it starts all over again.

and always
every time
it takes your breath away.

grief looks different on all of us
but it's always the same.

denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.



you can have it all. my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
full of broken bones I cannot repair.
beneath the stains of time. the feelings disappear. you are someone else. I am still right here.

what have I become, my sweetest friend?
everyone I know goes away in the end.

and you can have it all. my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.

I can't remember....

it’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song
you can’t believe it
you were always singing along
it was so easy and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to feel the beat.

you spend half of your life trying to fall behind
you’re using your headphones to drown out your mind
it was so easy, and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to move your feet.

it was so easy and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to feel the beat.

...using my headphones to drown out my mind...

wanted: single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
sought by single m: mrs.destiny, send photo to address, is it you and me?

reply to single m: my name is caroline cell phone number here, call if you have the time
28 and bored, grieving over loss, sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost.

reply to caroline: thanks so much for response, these things can be scary
not always what you want
how about a drink? the st.jude club at noon?
I'll phone you first I guess
I hope I see you soon.

I never got your name, I assume you're 33
your voice it sounded kind
I hope that you like me
when you see my face, I hope that you don't laugh
I'm not a film-star beauty
I sent a photograph
I hope that you don't laugh...

note to single m: why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour and finally gave up
I thought once that I saw you, I thought that you saw me
I guess we'll never meet now
It wasn't meant to be
I was sure that you saw me, but it wasn't meant to be.

wanted: single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
sought by single m:
nothing too heavy, send photo to address
is it you?
or me?

now dance f*cker dance

downfall rising.

kickass.

I enjoyed the hell out of them tonight.

badass.

...but am I ready to face it?

if the eyes are the windows to the soul
then grief is the door
as long as its closed, its the barrier between knowing and not knowing
walk away from it and it stays closed forever
but open it and walk through it and pain becomes truth.

and now I'm faced with the struggle for my own survival that I always knew was coming...

truth be told...

I miss you.


Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

Sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out

hey, this fire is burning us up....

So we made the hard decision
And we each made an incision
Past our muscles and our bones
Saw our hearts were little stones

Pulled them out they weren't beating
And we weren't even bleeding
As we lay them on the granite counter top

We beat 'em up
Against each other
We beat 'em up
Against each other
We struck 'em hard
Against each other
We struck 'em so hard
So hard
Until they sparked.

only you know the story of this one...

You can grin, but you cant hide
All the emptiness inside
Since she left you like spit in the rain.

Without doubt it is true
She was the only love you knew
Now she's gone, it fades away
Like spit in the rain.

You can try to figure out
Why you mean nothing to her now
But you might just as well
Just go spit in the rain.

Without doubt it is true
Without her there's only you
But with a little luck and a little time
You'll pull through.

I can't get you out of my head....

I don't know what to say
or do.

the chaos...
and your absence.
I miss you.
more than words can express.

I only know...in this moment...that I love you.
and that you are always in my heart.

I thro oringas in the preest....

I had almost forgotten what this feeling felt like. almost.

a few days ago.

now it's back.

I'm lost again.

and I'm choosing to be lost again.

and for tonight, I am okie with it.