so you think you can?

I wrote this a little while ago when it was heavy on my mind. I read it again today and decided to post it after all.


sometimes I wonder why it is that I can turn off an emotion so easily.
there's this chemical in my body that tells my brain I'm very into
this thing or this person, and I believe they can make me happy. then
something switches. and there's another chemical in my body that tells
me this thing or person is alright, but I really don't care to have
much to do with them.

sometimes I think I have a man's mindset in that I enjoy the challenge
and the race of any certain thing so much that, with few exceptions, when the challenge is
completed, there's nothing left. and I feel somewhat guilty for it,
but it's what I feel. I can't help it. and mostly, I don't want to. I
don't want to change myself from feeling something because what I'm
feeling in that moment is *real. whatever it may be. because it is what it is.

I think it's part of growing up.
when I was a child, I made friends and I believed those friends would
last forever. none of them did. and when I lost one of my best
friends, no strings attached, I believe that's when I grew up. and I
don't know if I can make that connection again with someone. maybe I
can't, because I don't believe I can. and I feel strangely okie with that.

I've never been one to be the life of the party, the crazy one, the funny one,
but I have always found my way. the strange way, they call me weird.
but I've noticed a change in myself lately. a little more strange than usual.
the wanting nothing to do with anyone when they've lost their luster. I'm not
quite sure if I should let it be...or try to change it.


it poured all night last night. it's very rainy and dreary today. all I want to do is lay in bed and watch shows. I just wish my deary was here.