she was lying on a table.
there was a strange man standing above her.
he explained to her what she was and how she came to be. he told her that he was the same being she was. that his group was all the same as she.
he explained that she had no choice. he was going to change her. like he had been changed. like he changed his group. she had no choice. he said it was for the best.
it was a blur from then.
she remembered being taught the way. the right way to live in her condition.
she remembered being punished for attacking a human in a moment of weakness. they forced her to attack one of their own.
one of their own that had no concern for the human life. one of their own that was not one of their own. there was no hope for these.
it devastated her. she learned.
training.
they took her to a massive weapons building.
they chose for her flame and a blade.
then they taught her how to use them.
training.
she didn't recall her emotions from this time.
she was willing to change.
her mind was set on that thought only.
they took her to a large building where she was to protect someone.
they partnered her with another of her kind.
the slight feeling of freedom caused her to become foolish.
and she drank.
he sent an attack.
she was caught off guard.
she was not in her right mind.
she couldn't penetrate them with her flame.
they were nearly completely resilient to her blade.
she couldn't see.
she couldn't think.
her mind was too altered to save herself, let alone her guard.
he had nearly finished her off when her partner finally crashed into the room.
together, they fought them off.
together, they killed them.
the sky was dark.
the rain was falling heavily.
she looked up, smiling at the feeling of the sky on her face.
she shot off from the ground, rising higher and higher.
was it possible she could finally be at peace?
Sunday, December 20, 2009
this is what you see when you close your eyes?
it was an odd beginning.
there was nothing.
empty space. darkness.
then it began to rain.
heavy rain. thick rain.
the sky remained dark.
there was simply...rain.
then her mind was created. and she came into consciousness.
without really understanding how or why, she shot off from the ground.
she was angry. so angry she was shaking. so angry she could do anything she believed would save her. hence, she was in the air. in the rain. all her mind could feel was hate and bitterness.
the rain pelting against her face was her only consolation.
she was rising quickly, addicted to the feeling, as if it was the only thing in the universe keeping her alive. and whether she realized it or not, it was true.
then she began to wonder. why? how did it come to this?
she couldn't remember. but she knew she knew she was...different.
it was...something else.
then she was back on the ground.
and then she knew. the moment the rain stopped, everything changed.
the moment she saw the child, the rain stopped.
and she no longer had control over her mind or body.
within minutes, she had pounced, grabbing the child tightly in her arms. she squeezed her neck until she was no longer conscious, but kept her breathing. she didn't know how or why, but she knew this was the way.
she felt no need to see if anyone was watching her. there was no one else. this was the way.
she also knew the next few moments were going to be the most satisfying she had ever felt.
the child was limp in her arms. she subconsciously felt two teeth slide out between her lips. she was thirsty. so thirsty...
she leaned down next to the child's face, smelling her. her scent was intoxicating.
she took a moment, trying to decide whether she wanted it open or closed. it didn't really matter, but she felt as if it was important. she decided it would have to be open. and so it was. forcefully.
she sank her teeth into the left entire eyelid and eyeball. it tore roughly between her lips. then she paused. she could hardly breathe, it felt so amazing. so delicious. so...satisfying. she ate almost in a hurry, not even worrying about savoring it. the blood was...filling her with...life.
she slipped into a frenzied feeding. a blissful feeding.
she woke up in chains in a strange building. she had no recollection of her life for the first 23 seconds.
there was nothing.
empty space. darkness.
then it began to rain.
heavy rain. thick rain.
the sky remained dark.
there was simply...rain.
then her mind was created. and she came into consciousness.
without really understanding how or why, she shot off from the ground.
she was angry. so angry she was shaking. so angry she could do anything she believed would save her. hence, she was in the air. in the rain. all her mind could feel was hate and bitterness.
the rain pelting against her face was her only consolation.
she was rising quickly, addicted to the feeling, as if it was the only thing in the universe keeping her alive. and whether she realized it or not, it was true.
then she began to wonder. why? how did it come to this?
she couldn't remember. but she knew she knew she was...different.
it was...something else.
then she was back on the ground.
and then she knew. the moment the rain stopped, everything changed.
the moment she saw the child, the rain stopped.
and she no longer had control over her mind or body.
within minutes, she had pounced, grabbing the child tightly in her arms. she squeezed her neck until she was no longer conscious, but kept her breathing. she didn't know how or why, but she knew this was the way.
she felt no need to see if anyone was watching her. there was no one else. this was the way.
she also knew the next few moments were going to be the most satisfying she had ever felt.
the child was limp in her arms. she subconsciously felt two teeth slide out between her lips. she was thirsty. so thirsty...
she leaned down next to the child's face, smelling her. her scent was intoxicating.
she took a moment, trying to decide whether she wanted it open or closed. it didn't really matter, but she felt as if it was important. she decided it would have to be open. and so it was. forcefully.
she sank her teeth into the left entire eyelid and eyeball. it tore roughly between her lips. then she paused. she could hardly breathe, it felt so amazing. so delicious. so...satisfying. she ate almost in a hurry, not even worrying about savoring it. the blood was...filling her with...life.
she slipped into a frenzied feeding. a blissful feeding.
she woke up in chains in a strange building. she had no recollection of her life for the first 23 seconds.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
just our hands clasped so tight...
He walks over and sits down on a bench. He stares off, lost in thought. And then, from out of nowhere, there's her voice.
S: Hey.
She sits like an apparition on a neighboring bench. She may have just sat down, she may have been there for hours. He isn't sure if she's real. He doesn't quite know what to do.
S: Where you coming from?
T: What? Oh. Nowhere. How long have you been sitting there?
S: Awhile.
He finds it hard to look at her.
S: I come here alot. I always loved this place, ever since you brought me here.
The mention of their past makes the atmosphere odd. She walks over to sit next to him.
T: So...I should probably say congratulations.
S: Only if you mean it.
T: Ah, well...in that case...
S: I understand.
She laughs a little.
S: So are you okie?
T: I will be...eventually.
S: I like your suit.
T: Thanks.
S: You look sharp.
T: So do you.
S: Thanks.
T: I quit the office.
S: Really? That's great!
T: So...you're married.
S: Pretty crazy, huh?
T: You should have told me...
S: I know.
T: ...when we were dancing...
S: He hadn't asked me yet.
T: But he was in your life.
T: So why'd you dance with me?
S: Because I wanted to.
T: You just do what you want, don't you...
She looks down, smiling a little.
T: You never wanted to be anyone's girlfriend, and now you're somebody's wife.
S: Surprised me too.
T: I don't think I'll ever understand that. It doesn't make sense.
S: It just happened.
T: That's what I don't understand. What happened?
S: I woke up and I knew.
T: Knew what?
S: What I was never sure of with you.
He looks away.
T: You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believe in is complete bullshit.
S: What is?
T: Destiny, soulmates, true love. All that stuff. It's nothing more than silly childhood fairy tale nonsense, isn't it? It sucks...
S: Tom, don't go.
T: I should have listened to you, Summer. You were right all along.
S: I was right?
She begins to laugh.
T: What are you laughing at?
She can't stop laughing.
He tries not to laugh himself.
S: One day I'm reading a book at the corner deli and this guy sits down and starts asking about it. Now he's my husband.
What would have happened if I went to the movies instead? If I went somewhere else for lunch? If I showed up to eat ten minutes later? Tom, it was meant to be, just like you said. And as it was happening, I knew it. I could feel it, sure as the sun. And I kept thinking to myself, Tom was right. You were right about all of it.
...It just wasn't me you were right about.
She takes his hand.
S: I should go. But I'm really happy to see that you are doing well.
She touches his face lightly.
T: I really do hope you are happy.
S: I know.
...See you later.
She smiles and walks away.
S: Hey.
She sits like an apparition on a neighboring bench. She may have just sat down, she may have been there for hours. He isn't sure if she's real. He doesn't quite know what to do.
S: Where you coming from?
T: What? Oh. Nowhere. How long have you been sitting there?
S: Awhile.
He finds it hard to look at her.
S: I come here alot. I always loved this place, ever since you brought me here.
The mention of their past makes the atmosphere odd. She walks over to sit next to him.
T: So...I should probably say congratulations.
S: Only if you mean it.
T: Ah, well...in that case...
S: I understand.
She laughs a little.
S: So are you okie?
T: I will be...eventually.
S: I like your suit.
T: Thanks.
S: You look sharp.
T: So do you.
S: Thanks.
T: I quit the office.
S: Really? That's great!
T: So...you're married.
S: Pretty crazy, huh?
T: You should have told me...
S: I know.
T: ...when we were dancing...
S: He hadn't asked me yet.
T: But he was in your life.
T: So why'd you dance with me?
S: Because I wanted to.
T: You just do what you want, don't you...
She looks down, smiling a little.
T: You never wanted to be anyone's girlfriend, and now you're somebody's wife.
S: Surprised me too.
T: I don't think I'll ever understand that. It doesn't make sense.
S: It just happened.
T: That's what I don't understand. What happened?
S: I woke up and I knew.
T: Knew what?
S: What I was never sure of with you.
He looks away.
T: You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believe in is complete bullshit.
S: What is?
T: Destiny, soulmates, true love. All that stuff. It's nothing more than silly childhood fairy tale nonsense, isn't it? It sucks...
S: Tom, don't go.
T: I should have listened to you, Summer. You were right all along.
S: I was right?
She begins to laugh.
T: What are you laughing at?
She can't stop laughing.
He tries not to laugh himself.
S: One day I'm reading a book at the corner deli and this guy sits down and starts asking about it. Now he's my husband.
What would have happened if I went to the movies instead? If I went somewhere else for lunch? If I showed up to eat ten minutes later? Tom, it was meant to be, just like you said. And as it was happening, I knew it. I could feel it, sure as the sun. And I kept thinking to myself, Tom was right. You were right about all of it.
...It just wasn't me you were right about.
She takes his hand.
S: I should go. But I'm really happy to see that you are doing well.
She touches his face lightly.
T: I really do hope you are happy.
S: I know.
...See you later.
She smiles and walks away.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
you said head shut it off. never again. never again.
the pain is incredible.
I have to make it go away.
or make it worse.
I'm forbidden to go away.
and I'm forbidden to make it worse.
and yet, what is forbidden to us in this world?
nothing. and everything.
all.
what was his saying? nothing is truth, everything is permitted?
I'm the hero of the story I don't need to be saved.
Loop me in, odd one.
I have to make it go away.
or make it worse.
I'm forbidden to go away.
and I'm forbidden to make it worse.
and yet, what is forbidden to us in this world?
nothing. and everything.
all.
what was his saying? nothing is truth, everything is permitted?
I'm the hero of the story I don't need to be saved.
Loop me in, odd one.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
to you. always.
my love for you is not fully expressed...it can't be.
I love you beyond your face, beyond your smile, beyond your body.
I love everything about you.
I love your heart.
this love I feel inside is like no other I have ever felt before.
this one is so special.
each time I look at you, I see a handsome face with an amazing heart.
the longer I look at you, the more I know I am loved.
each gentle kiss drives me crazy, each hug makes me want to cry.
because I know what we have is so precious,
and I am so blessed to have you to hold.
I love you more than words.
more than there are stars in the sky.
but as long as the stars shine, and as long as I am breathed by this air,
I will love you.
I love you beyond your face, beyond your smile, beyond your body.
I love everything about you.
I love your heart.
this love I feel inside is like no other I have ever felt before.
this one is so special.
each time I look at you, I see a handsome face with an amazing heart.
the longer I look at you, the more I know I am loved.
each gentle kiss drives me crazy, each hug makes me want to cry.
because I know what we have is so precious,
and I am so blessed to have you to hold.
I love you more than words.
more than there are stars in the sky.
but as long as the stars shine, and as long as I am breathed by this air,
I will love you.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
oh the words I pull from terra....
you picked a bad time to fall in love
I know you told me there's never a good time
never the right time to fall in love
the world stops turning just for a moment
those are the moments you should run from
sweet things that slow you down
feelings that leave you numb
those are the feelings that make the room spin
and leave your life a mess and do your head in
and love's an open wound
cuts like a shard of glass
and I was only looking for a good time
and I can play it cool, come as a hard attack
I was only looking for a good time.
I brought you home with me on a tuesday
sat in the lobby drinking jose
and in the morning when you left my bed
I didn't even know if I would see you again
it rained all night long
we'd thought it'd never stop
here in my little room we counted every drop
ten thousand miles away from what I call a home
you swore you'd never leave
and now I'm here alone.
I know you told me there's never a good time
never the right time to fall in love
the world stops turning just for a moment
those are the moments you should run from
sweet things that slow you down
feelings that leave you numb
those are the feelings that make the room spin
and leave your life a mess and do your head in
and love's an open wound
cuts like a shard of glass
and I was only looking for a good time
and I can play it cool, come as a hard attack
I was only looking for a good time.
I brought you home with me on a tuesday
sat in the lobby drinking jose
and in the morning when you left my bed
I didn't even know if I would see you again
it rained all night long
we'd thought it'd never stop
here in my little room we counted every drop
ten thousand miles away from what I call a home
you swore you'd never leave
and now I'm here alone.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I can't hear you through the noise....
you're the closest thing I know to love
so let me in
the moon is glowing white
and time's a-wasting
and don't you want to know
what happens when
we start at the start
before it becomes that thing
that broke my heart in two
we've been here before
that place where we dwell until
we find we both want something more...
so let's pretend that for a moment
we have never loved before
touch my skin
and I will kiss your lips and
we can both ignore
that feeling of wait,
what happens in time
I know this is cool for now
but I just might change my mind
and leave
you there in the dust
I know that you loved me a lot
but it was never quite discussed...
so let me in
the moon is glowing white
and time's a-wasting
and don't you want to know
what happens when
we start at the start
before it becomes that thing
that broke my heart in two
we've been here before
that place where we dwell until
we find we both want something more...
so let's pretend that for a moment
we have never loved before
touch my skin
and I will kiss your lips and
we can both ignore
that feeling of wait,
what happens in time
I know this is cool for now
but I just might change my mind
and leave
you there in the dust
I know that you loved me a lot
but it was never quite discussed...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I'll take everything in this life...
I am lost in my head again
these thoughts coming to haunt me
I am caught in the memory
of things I left behind
somewhere I never knew I left them
they are lost to me.
I am stuck in this body
until something can free me
and then what where do I go from here
lost again into the air
into the sky into another body.
and I'm scared
and nobody knows me anymore
I'm lost
faceless in this crowd
again
I am alone
and I will always be alone
...maybe.
and this fear when nobody knows you anymore
and you're lost
only a memory
something quite like it goes
walking around
not feeling anything
can you hear me?
these thoughts coming to haunt me
I am caught in the memory
of things I left behind
somewhere I never knew I left them
they are lost to me.
I am stuck in this body
until something can free me
and then what where do I go from here
lost again into the air
into the sky into another body.
and I'm scared
and nobody knows me anymore
I'm lost
faceless in this crowd
again
I am alone
and I will always be alone
...maybe.
and this fear when nobody knows you anymore
and you're lost
only a memory
something quite like it goes
walking around
not feeling anything
can you hear me?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
it's my dreams you steal your way into...
And so I say I don't love you,
Though it kills me
It's a lie that sets you free.
I will wrap my body
In other women's arms.
Make love in a hurry,
Feel better than I am.
Hope you find yourself
In someone else's eyes.
And so I say I don't love you.
Am I strong enough?
Though it kills me
It's a lie that sets you free.
I will wrap my body
In other women's arms.
Make love in a hurry,
Feel better than I am.
Hope you find yourself
In someone else's eyes.
And so I say I don't love you.
Am I strong enough?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I miss the peace I feel when I hear that song....
today, kristy spring waters.
I miss you, lady.
we had some crazy good times.
I think we need to make some more, yeah?
if only it had been the past few months.
it would have been unbelievably amazing.
who knows what crazy shit would have happened.
fitting like a glove. no, better than.
I miss you, lady.
we had some crazy good times.
I think we need to make some more, yeah?
if only it had been the past few months.
it would have been unbelievably amazing.
who knows what crazy shit would have happened.
fitting like a glove. no, better than.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
me and you. as opposed to us.
doubt that the stars are fire
doubt that the sun does move
doubt truth to be a liar
but never doubt I love.
shakespeare.
doubt that the sun does move
doubt truth to be a liar
but never doubt I love.
shakespeare.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
to the human who is.
take the needle.
thread it carefully.
feel the beat of this heart held in your hands.
feel it losing its beat.
stitch.
and stitch.
fix me, my love.
fix me.
thread it carefully.
feel the beat of this heart held in your hands.
feel it losing its beat.
stitch.
and stitch.
fix me, my love.
fix me.
Friday, October 23, 2009
what's written in Braille upon my skin....
leave me out with the waste.
when they told you to stop
did you want to keep going?
when they pushed you to tears
could you feel your pain showing?
did you know you were drifting
from the moment you drifted?
could you feel your heart shifting
before it had shifted?
and I ask you this
mostly for me
because people like us
can go quietly.
a problem.
can I only be this?
problems can be fixed.
can I only be this?
she said, "you're gonna suffer for my sins."
will the sun rise tomorrow morning?
will the blood stay in my body tonight?
does the good ever make the pain worth it?
I say yes.
I say no.
how?
I want to fight.
I want to give up.
I want to give up every single damn thing.
how?
I love you. I don't deserve you. you hold my heart in your hands. I am yours.
you made my world spin. you showed me life. you showed me how not to miss it. I loved every minute. I wish for what I wish.
I hate you. I never want to see you again. the memories of you break my heart. I don't care that you are who you are.
and you. I have never been seen such loyalty in my life. it amazes me every day.
you choose who you are.
and yet. I breathe.
and I walk.
and I smoke.
the choice now is life.
moving on.
waiting it out.
have I decided that?
or has it been decided for me?
she said, "you gave in. you left. maybe that was right for you at that moment. but babe, look at all the beautiful things you missed. life is fucked. but look at what you missed."
I am always here.
I am lost.
yet I am here.
forgive me.
forgive me if I choose to miss the beautiful things.
when they told you to stop
did you want to keep going?
when they pushed you to tears
could you feel your pain showing?
did you know you were drifting
from the moment you drifted?
could you feel your heart shifting
before it had shifted?
and I ask you this
mostly for me
because people like us
can go quietly.
a problem.
can I only be this?
problems can be fixed.
can I only be this?
she said, "you're gonna suffer for my sins."
will the sun rise tomorrow morning?
will the blood stay in my body tonight?
does the good ever make the pain worth it?
I say yes.
I say no.
how?
I want to fight.
I want to give up.
I want to give up every single damn thing.
how?
I love you. I don't deserve you. you hold my heart in your hands. I am yours.
you made my world spin. you showed me life. you showed me how not to miss it. I loved every minute. I wish for what I wish.
I hate you. I never want to see you again. the memories of you break my heart. I don't care that you are who you are.
and you. I have never been seen such loyalty in my life. it amazes me every day.
you choose who you are.
and yet. I breathe.
and I walk.
and I smoke.
the choice now is life.
moving on.
waiting it out.
have I decided that?
or has it been decided for me?
she said, "you gave in. you left. maybe that was right for you at that moment. but babe, look at all the beautiful things you missed. life is fucked. but look at what you missed."
I am always here.
I am lost.
yet I am here.
forgive me.
forgive me if I choose to miss the beautiful things.
I'm going to lose you.
All this talk of getting old
It's bringing me down, my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down
And I hope you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Because the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
And I know I'm on a losing streak
Because I passed down my old street
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again
Because the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
Because baby, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, if you leave my life, I'm better off dead
I'm never going down, I'm never coming down
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make me worse
But I know I'll see your face again
Because baby, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, if you leave my life, I'm better off dead.
It's bringing me down, my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down
And I hope you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Because the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
And I know I'm on a losing streak
Because I passed down my old street
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again
Because the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
Because baby, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, if you leave my life, I'm better off dead
I'm never going down, I'm never coming down
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make me worse
But I know I'll see your face again
Because baby, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, if you leave my life, I'm better off dead.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
the human heart
The sound of cries in agony
Awakes my sleeping demon
The mood of grief excites me
The mood invert my grief to joy
The demon makes me laugh a demonic silent laughter
My tears are filled with joy cause I enjoy the death
Laughter of the funeral...
This ceremony is boring
Have no understanding
May my feelings are gone
And may my soul is cold
The hymns are raping the souls
Of the ones which I hate
I feel their anger against me
I feel their anger against me
But I laugh at their fault cause I'm stronger
Laughter of the funeral...
Awakes my sleeping demon
The mood of grief excites me
The mood invert my grief to joy
The demon makes me laugh a demonic silent laughter
My tears are filled with joy cause I enjoy the death
Laughter of the funeral...
This ceremony is boring
Have no understanding
May my feelings are gone
And may my soul is cold
The hymns are raping the souls
Of the ones which I hate
I feel their anger against me
I feel their anger against me
But I laugh at their fault cause I'm stronger
Laughter of the funeral...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
when you cry, I taste the salt in your tears...
today, I fully understood, up to this point, the phrase, "I'm in a room full of people, yet completely alone."
can't see when I go to work, can't see when I get off
how do you expect someone not to get lost
every year I just keep getting deeper in debt
if there's a happy day I haven't seen one yet.
take 'em away take 'em away
take away these chains from me
my heart is broken because my spirit's not free
take away these chains from me.
can't see when I go to work, can't see when I get off
how do you expect someone not to get lost
every year I just keep getting deeper in debt
if there's a happy day I haven't seen one yet.
take 'em away take 'em away
take away these chains from me
my heart is broken because my spirit's not free
take away these chains from me.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
getting high and mumbling german fables...
I don't care.
I don't care anymore.
I feel lost.
if I lose you, I lose a part of myself.
what else matters?
do I want to see you?
yes.
do I want to see you?
no.
do I want to see anyone else?
hell no.
do I still enable you to let me feel this?
this insanity. why do I allow myself to give you this power?
why do you visit me now every night in my dreams?
why do I still cry to sleep every night?
when will it end?
will I find peace?
more importantly, will you find peace?
fuck.
don't leave.
hold my hand. those fingers wrapped in mine.
wait.
just wait.
only this moment matters.
when you forgive your imperfections
and you've auctioned all your clothes
and you look to see your true reflection
you will be the one who loves you the most.
she looks at me so fearlessly
and I take it all too seriously
but it all becomes so clear to me
and makes me understand
I believe she's mine.
she's mine.
all mine.
I don't care anymore.
I feel lost.
if I lose you, I lose a part of myself.
what else matters?
do I want to see you?
yes.
do I want to see you?
no.
do I want to see anyone else?
hell no.
do I still enable you to let me feel this?
this insanity. why do I allow myself to give you this power?
why do you visit me now every night in my dreams?
why do I still cry to sleep every night?
when will it end?
will I find peace?
more importantly, will you find peace?
fuck.
don't leave.
hold my hand. those fingers wrapped in mine.
wait.
just wait.
only this moment matters.
when you forgive your imperfections
and you've auctioned all your clothes
and you look to see your true reflection
you will be the one who loves you the most.
she looks at me so fearlessly
and I take it all too seriously
but it all becomes so clear to me
and makes me understand
I believe she's mine.
she's mine.
all mine.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
wait.........don't go just now....
composed of an element so weak, so frail
every time she reaches for the sky, she fails
the escape from her shattered existence
the crack, the cut, the shattered tears that hit the pavement
in this crumbling existence, like a champagne glass held together at its last seams
with every try there's a little more bleeding
the crack, the cut, the shattered tears that hit the pavement
all she wants to do now is finish this
tip the glass to the floor
watch it shatter
so she will strive and strive reaching for the sky
as she cuts and bleeds
waiting for the day she strives to be
this broken glass thrown into heaven
every time she reaches for the sky, she fails
the escape from her shattered existence
the crack, the cut, the shattered tears that hit the pavement
in this crumbling existence, like a champagne glass held together at its last seams
with every try there's a little more bleeding
the crack, the cut, the shattered tears that hit the pavement
all she wants to do now is finish this
tip the glass to the floor
watch it shatter
so she will strive and strive reaching for the sky
as she cuts and bleeds
waiting for the day she strives to be
this broken glass thrown into heaven
Sunday, September 27, 2009
show me what it's like. to dream in black and white. so I can leave this world behind tonight.
you fight me. flat on my lonely face I fell.
in light of the life that I have found
it's coming down.
I don't know what isn't real
but it's easy
to beat me.
life is sink or swim.
love is blinding. no surviving.
I don't know what I want to be yet.
but I can show that I need this.
no time for lies and empty fights.
can we live a life of peace and happiness?
I don't think so.
no denying I am scared to lose the things I love.
this is how it's going to end.
this is how it's going to end.
everyone is waiting here for everyone.
leave me alone.
in light of the life that I have found
it's coming down.
I don't know what isn't real
but it's easy
to beat me.
life is sink or swim.
love is blinding. no surviving.
I don't know what I want to be yet.
but I can show that I need this.
no time for lies and empty fights.
can we live a life of peace and happiness?
I don't think so.
no denying I am scared to lose the things I love.
this is how it's going to end.
this is how it's going to end.
everyone is waiting here for everyone.
leave me alone.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I just hope to god I can fall into a sleep where I can stay.
that's how you stay alive.
when it hurts so much you can't breathe
that's how you survive.
by remembering that one day
somehow
possibly
you won't feel this way
it won't hurt this much...
grief comes in its own time
for everyone
in its own way
the best we can do
the best anyone can do
is try from honesty...
the really shitty thing
the very worst part of grief
is that you can't control it.
so the best we can do
is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
and let it go when we can.
the very worst part is
the minute you think you're past it
it starts all over again.
and always
every time
it takes your breath away.
grief looks different on all of us
but it's always the same.
denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.
you can have it all. my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
full of broken bones I cannot repair.
beneath the stains of time. the feelings disappear. you are someone else. I am still right here.
what have I become, my sweetest friend?
everyone I know goes away in the end.
and you can have it all. my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
when it hurts so much you can't breathe
that's how you survive.
by remembering that one day
somehow
possibly
you won't feel this way
it won't hurt this much...
grief comes in its own time
for everyone
in its own way
the best we can do
the best anyone can do
is try from honesty...
the really shitty thing
the very worst part of grief
is that you can't control it.
so the best we can do
is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
and let it go when we can.
the very worst part is
the minute you think you're past it
it starts all over again.
and always
every time
it takes your breath away.
grief looks different on all of us
but it's always the same.
denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.
you can have it all. my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
full of broken bones I cannot repair.
beneath the stains of time. the feelings disappear. you are someone else. I am still right here.
what have I become, my sweetest friend?
everyone I know goes away in the end.
and you can have it all. my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I can't remember....
it’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song
you can’t believe it
you were always singing along
it was so easy and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to feel the beat.
you spend half of your life trying to fall behind
you’re using your headphones to drown out your mind
it was so easy, and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to move your feet.
it was so easy and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to feel the beat.
you can’t believe it
you were always singing along
it was so easy and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to feel the beat.
you spend half of your life trying to fall behind
you’re using your headphones to drown out your mind
it was so easy, and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to move your feet.
it was so easy and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to feel the beat.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
...using my headphones to drown out my mind...
wanted: single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
sought by single m: mrs.destiny, send photo to address, is it you and me?
reply to single m: my name is caroline cell phone number here, call if you have the time
28 and bored, grieving over loss, sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost.
reply to caroline: thanks so much for response, these things can be scary
not always what you want
how about a drink? the st.jude club at noon?
I'll phone you first I guess
I hope I see you soon.
I never got your name, I assume you're 33
your voice it sounded kind
I hope that you like me
when you see my face, I hope that you don't laugh
I'm not a film-star beauty
I sent a photograph
I hope that you don't laugh...
note to single m: why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour and finally gave up
I thought once that I saw you, I thought that you saw me
I guess we'll never meet now
It wasn't meant to be
I was sure that you saw me, but it wasn't meant to be.
wanted: single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
sought by single m:
nothing too heavy, send photo to address
is it you?
or me?
sought by single m: mrs.destiny, send photo to address, is it you and me?
reply to single m: my name is caroline cell phone number here, call if you have the time
28 and bored, grieving over loss, sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost.
reply to caroline: thanks so much for response, these things can be scary
not always what you want
how about a drink? the st.jude club at noon?
I'll phone you first I guess
I hope I see you soon.
I never got your name, I assume you're 33
your voice it sounded kind
I hope that you like me
when you see my face, I hope that you don't laugh
I'm not a film-star beauty
I sent a photograph
I hope that you don't laugh...
note to single m: why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour and finally gave up
I thought once that I saw you, I thought that you saw me
I guess we'll never meet now
It wasn't meant to be
I was sure that you saw me, but it wasn't meant to be.
wanted: single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
sought by single m:
nothing too heavy, send photo to address
is it you?
or me?
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
...but am I ready to face it?
if the eyes are the windows to the soul
then grief is the door
as long as its closed, its the barrier between knowing and not knowing
walk away from it and it stays closed forever
but open it and walk through it and pain becomes truth.
and now I'm faced with the struggle for my own survival that I always knew was coming...
then grief is the door
as long as its closed, its the barrier between knowing and not knowing
walk away from it and it stays closed forever
but open it and walk through it and pain becomes truth.
and now I'm faced with the struggle for my own survival that I always knew was coming...
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
truth be told...
I miss you.
Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?
Sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out
Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?
Sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
hey, this fire is burning us up....
So we made the hard decision
And we each made an incision
Past our muscles and our bones
Saw our hearts were little stones
Pulled them out they weren't beating
And we weren't even bleeding
As we lay them on the granite counter top
We beat 'em up
Against each other
We beat 'em up
Against each other
We struck 'em hard
Against each other
We struck 'em so hard
So hard
Until they sparked.
And we each made an incision
Past our muscles and our bones
Saw our hearts were little stones
Pulled them out they weren't beating
And we weren't even bleeding
As we lay them on the granite counter top
We beat 'em up
Against each other
We beat 'em up
Against each other
We struck 'em hard
Against each other
We struck 'em so hard
So hard
Until they sparked.
Friday, September 11, 2009
only you know the story of this one...
You can grin, but you cant hide
All the emptiness inside
Since she left you like spit in the rain.
Without doubt it is true
She was the only love you knew
Now she's gone, it fades away
Like spit in the rain.
You can try to figure out
Why you mean nothing to her now
But you might just as well
Just go spit in the rain.
Without doubt it is true
Without her there's only you
But with a little luck and a little time
You'll pull through.
All the emptiness inside
Since she left you like spit in the rain.
Without doubt it is true
She was the only love you knew
Now she's gone, it fades away
Like spit in the rain.
You can try to figure out
Why you mean nothing to her now
But you might just as well
Just go spit in the rain.
Without doubt it is true
Without her there's only you
But with a little luck and a little time
You'll pull through.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I can't get you out of my head....
I don't know what to say
or do.
the chaos...
and your absence.
I miss you.
more than words can express.
I only know...in this moment...that I love you.
and that you are always in my heart.
or do.
the chaos...
and your absence.
I miss you.
more than words can express.
I only know...in this moment...that I love you.
and that you are always in my heart.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I thro oringas in the preest....
I had almost forgotten what this feeling felt like. almost.
a few days ago.
now it's back.
I'm lost again.
and I'm choosing to be lost again.
and for tonight, I am okie with it.
a few days ago.
now it's back.
I'm lost again.
and I'm choosing to be lost again.
and for tonight, I am okie with it.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I'm not alright....
I see the lights are turning and I look outside
The stars are burning through this changing time
It could have been anything we want
It's fine, salvation was just a passing thought
It was just a passing thought.
Don't wait, act now
This amazing offer won't last long
It's the only chance to save the path we're on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
And in time we'll sort it out.
And though they say it's possible
To me, I don't see how it's probable
I see the course we're on spinning farther from what I know
I'll hold on
Tell me that you won't let go.
Tell me that you won't let go.
And the truth is such a funny thing
With all these people
Keep on telling me
They know what's best
And what to be frightened of
And all the rest are wrong
They know nothing about us.
They know nothing about us.
I'm not alright.
This could be something beautiful
Combine our love into something wonderful
But times are tough I know
And the pull of what we can't give up takes hold.
The stars are burning through this changing time
It could have been anything we want
It's fine, salvation was just a passing thought
It was just a passing thought.
Don't wait, act now
This amazing offer won't last long
It's the only chance to save the path we're on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
And in time we'll sort it out.
And though they say it's possible
To me, I don't see how it's probable
I see the course we're on spinning farther from what I know
I'll hold on
Tell me that you won't let go.
Tell me that you won't let go.
And the truth is such a funny thing
With all these people
Keep on telling me
They know what's best
And what to be frightened of
And all the rest are wrong
They know nothing about us.
They know nothing about us.
I'm not alright.
This could be something beautiful
Combine our love into something wonderful
But times are tough I know
And the pull of what we can't give up takes hold.
Monday, August 24, 2009
its such a perfect day....
I float in a pool of darkness
Cold presses in on me
I am alone
Floating aimlessly
I reach for sparks of hope
But rather than warm
They only burn
I ache with sorrow
I hunger to leave
To escape
To leave this prison
I crave to be free
To be heard
To be loved
Cold presses in on me
I am alone
Floating aimlessly
I reach for sparks of hope
But rather than warm
They only burn
I ache with sorrow
I hunger to leave
To escape
To leave this prison
I crave to be free
To be heard
To be loved
I'm the hero of the story, I don't need to be saved...
When the knell rung for the dying
Sounds for me.
And my corpse coldly is lying
Beneath the green tree.
When the turf, strangers are heaping
Covers my breast
Come not to gaze on me, weeping
I am at rest.
Sounds for me.
And my corpse coldly is lying
Beneath the green tree.
When the turf, strangers are heaping
Covers my breast
Come not to gaze on me, weeping
I am at rest.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
one way....
there is an anchor on my soul.
this heavy weight is pulling me down.
deeper than I've ever been before.
how do I escape?
do I let it sink me?
must I let it sink me?
only in order to breathe?
must I feel lost to find some sense of order?
I don't know how.
I don't know how to push to pull.
I don't know how to escape.
save for one way.
this heavy weight is pulling me down.
deeper than I've ever been before.
how do I escape?
do I let it sink me?
must I let it sink me?
only in order to breathe?
must I feel lost to find some sense of order?
I don't know how.
I don't know how to push to pull.
I don't know how to escape.
save for one way.
Monday, August 17, 2009
hate me today
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I downshifted as I pulled into the driveway.
the motor screaming out stuck in second gear.
the scene ends badly as you might imagine,
in a cavalcade of anger and fear.
there will be feasting and dancing in jerusalem next year.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
how?
No, I can’t forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way this story goes.
You always smile....
But in your eyes your sorrow shows
It shows.
And now it’s only fair that I should let you know
What you should know.
I can't live
If living is without you.
I can’t give anymore.
I can’t live
If living is without you.
I can’t give,
I can’t give anymore.
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way this story goes.
You always smile....
But in your eyes your sorrow shows
It shows.
And now it’s only fair that I should let you know
What you should know.
I can't live
If living is without you.
I can’t give anymore.
I can’t live
If living is without you.
I can’t give,
I can’t give anymore.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
to be?
will you let me disappear for a while? everyone else seems to do it so easily. why do I feel so tied down?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
progress on the house...
amazing tool we found that helped us put the floor in...
the blue blue bathroom...hopefully I'ma put some orange art in there to off-set it a bit. :P
Andy thought the porch rails were too high. I said they were just perfect. ;) doesn't that look comfy?
the floor. and this is where our bed is. the bathroom is just there to the left. AC unit, under which is a dresser...
Quarter round. I love the floor. I think its so badass. ;)
amazing. :)
the blue blue bathroom...hopefully I'ma put some orange art in there to off-set it a bit. :P
Andy thought the porch rails were too high. I said they were just perfect. ;) doesn't that look comfy?
the floor. and this is where our bed is. the bathroom is just there to the left. AC unit, under which is a dresser...
Quarter round. I love the floor. I think its so badass. ;)
amazing. :)
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
soil and six feet under....
so. painting the house.
scary.
scary color...
I don't know if I like it.
it looks....greenish. :S
but I'm sure it will be fine....
.....right?
ohman.
and going to get cement in a few. for an amazing porch.
I miss our contractor...
scary.
scary color...
I don't know if I like it.
it looks....greenish. :S
but I'm sure it will be fine....
.....right?
ohman.
and going to get cement in a few. for an amazing porch.
I miss our contractor...
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
all we can do is keep breathing....
I wish that I could tell people that things will be okie. I wish I could tell them not to be sad. I wish I could cheer them up somehow.
I wish I could do all the things I want to. all the things I CAN do, but that I'm too scared to do.
but the things we wish for most often are not what is the best for us....
no?
I wish I could do all the things I want to. all the things I CAN do, but that I'm too scared to do.
but the things we wish for most often are not what is the best for us....
no?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
tonight's gonna be a good night....
first to be with you in the beginning.
first to be with you in the end.
much love.
first to be with you in the end.
much love.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
make me immortal with a kiss....
They're playing our song
They're playing our song
Can you see the lights?
Can you hear the hum?
Of our song
I hope they get it right
I hope we dance tonight
Before we, get it wrong
And the seasons
Will change us new
Be the best I've known
and you know me
I could not be stuck on you
If it were true
I was sleeping
My eyes were dark
Til you woke me
And told me that opening
is just the start
it was
Now I see you, til kingdom come
You're the one I want
To see me for all the stupid shit I've done
Soil and six feet under
Killed just like we were
Before you knew you'd know me
And you know me
Blooming up from the ground
3 Rounds and a sound
Like whispering you know me
And you know me
So this was our song
This was our song
I still see the lights
I can see them
And the criss cross
Of what is true, won't get to us
Cause you know me
I could not give up on you
And the fog of what is right
Won't cover us cause you know me
I could not give up a fight
They're playing our song
Can you see the lights?
Can you hear the hum?
Of our song
I hope they get it right
I hope we dance tonight
Before we, get it wrong
And the seasons
Will change us new
Be the best I've known
and you know me
I could not be stuck on you
If it were true
I was sleeping
My eyes were dark
Til you woke me
And told me that opening
is just the start
it was
Now I see you, til kingdom come
You're the one I want
To see me for all the stupid shit I've done
Soil and six feet under
Killed just like we were
Before you knew you'd know me
And you know me
Blooming up from the ground
3 Rounds and a sound
Like whispering you know me
And you know me
So this was our song
This was our song
I still see the lights
I can see them
And the criss cross
Of what is true, won't get to us
Cause you know me
I could not give up on you
And the fog of what is right
Won't cover us cause you know me
I could not give up a fight
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I drew a new face and I laughed....
my dearest.
I cannot tell you how much you mean to me.
so that's where this post ends. ;)
only kidding.
I will try. ;)
thank you for being my husband. you understand me.
one year with you.
I've been the happiest this year than any other year in my life.
you make me feel so beautiful always and so loved.
some of the best parts of my days are when you make me laugh.
and some of the best parts of my days are when I see you smile or laugh.
you make my life.
I love you.
I cannot tell you how much you mean to me.
so that's where this post ends. ;)
only kidding.
I will try. ;)
thank you for being my husband. you understand me.
one year with you.
I've been the happiest this year than any other year in my life.
you make me feel so beautiful always and so loved.
some of the best parts of my days are when you make me laugh.
and some of the best parts of my days are when I see you smile or laugh.
you make my life.
I love you.
I will be the one who loves you the most....
I am here. unable to close my eyes. unable to let the darkness overcome me.
I feel a...heaviness in my soul.
wake up.
hold my hand.
don't leave.
wake up.
inhale these deep breaths with me for one more day.
watch the time go by beside me, not knowing, not caring.
just be.
I feel a...heaviness in my soul.
wake up.
hold my hand.
don't leave.
wake up.
inhale these deep breaths with me for one more day.
watch the time go by beside me, not knowing, not caring.
just be.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
remember this, my love...
When the sky is falling from above you
And the wind is raging from the coast
And you want someone who truly loves you
I will be the one who loves you the most.
When the masquerade and burlesqued balls
Become too ordinary to boast
You complain about the parade and curtain calls
I will be the one who loves you the most
Yeah, I will be the one who loves you the most.
When the women with their stolen graces
Don't invite you to play host
To their daughters with fake faces
I will be the one who loves you the most.
When all the debutantes desert you
And all the doorways are all closed
And the harlequins have hurt you
I will be the one who loves you the most.
I will be the one who loves you the most.
When your suitors sneering swank beside you
And leave you hollow like a ghost
And you just want somebody to confide to
I will be the one who loves you the most.
I will be the one who loves you the most.
See, when you forgive your imperfections
And you've auctioned all your clothes
And look to see your true reflection
You will be the one who loves you the most.
You will be the one who loves you the most.
You will be the one who loves you the most.
And the wind is raging from the coast
And you want someone who truly loves you
I will be the one who loves you the most.
When the masquerade and burlesqued balls
Become too ordinary to boast
You complain about the parade and curtain calls
I will be the one who loves you the most
Yeah, I will be the one who loves you the most.
When the women with their stolen graces
Don't invite you to play host
To their daughters with fake faces
I will be the one who loves you the most.
When all the debutantes desert you
And all the doorways are all closed
And the harlequins have hurt you
I will be the one who loves you the most.
I will be the one who loves you the most.
When your suitors sneering swank beside you
And leave you hollow like a ghost
And you just want somebody to confide to
I will be the one who loves you the most.
I will be the one who loves you the most.
See, when you forgive your imperfections
And you've auctioned all your clothes
And look to see your true reflection
You will be the one who loves you the most.
You will be the one who loves you the most.
You will be the one who loves you the most.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
One of the beasts nipped the left leg of my jeans and tugged.
Grief can destroy you - or focus you. You can decide a
relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in
death, and you are alone. Or you can realize that every
moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize
at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just
lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each
day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the SACREDNESS
of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to
see it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just
watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or
washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric
bill. It was everything, it was the WHY Of life, every
event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery
of existence is the love you shared sometimes so
imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper
beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off
your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees
not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what
preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one
day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness,
to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.
Dean Koontz. Odd Hours.
relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in
death, and you are alone. Or you can realize that every
moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize
at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just
lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each
day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the SACREDNESS
of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to
see it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just
watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or
washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric
bill. It was everything, it was the WHY Of life, every
event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery
of existence is the love you shared sometimes so
imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper
beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off
your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees
not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what
preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one
day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness,
to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.
Dean Koontz. Odd Hours.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
we can live like jack and sally if we want...
- "Fire scares me, yes, and earthquakes, and venomous snakes. People scare me more than anything, for I know too well the savagery of which humankind is capable."
Thursday, July 2, 2009
see if you can push me before I pull the trigger....
Public Enemies.
Johnny Depp.
Marion Cotillard.
Christian Bale.
Leelee Sobieski.
A.MAZING. oh.my.god. go watch it now. NOW, dammit. it is super fantastic. and yes, I am this excited about it.
Johnny Depp.
Marion Cotillard.
Christian Bale.
Leelee Sobieski.
A.MAZING. oh.my.god. go watch it now. NOW, dammit. it is super fantastic. and yes, I am this excited about it.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
because people like us...can go quietly....
the SEXIEST woman on the planet. or one of them. I am in love with her. Marion Cotillard.
to you. from me. always.
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick. and think of you.
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new.
Sometimes you picture me. I'm walking too far ahead.
You're calling to me....I can't hear what you have said.
Then you say...
Go slow.
I fall behind.
The second hand unwinds.
If you're lost you can look and you will find me.
Time after time.
If you fall I will catch you. I'll be waiting.
Time after time.
Watching through windows...you're wondering if I'm okie.
Secrets stolen from deep inside.
The storm beats out of time.
If you're lost....
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new.
Sometimes you picture me. I'm walking too far ahead.
You're calling to me....I can't hear what you have said.
Then you say...
Go slow.
I fall behind.
The second hand unwinds.
If you're lost you can look and you will find me.
Time after time.
If you fall I will catch you. I'll be waiting.
Time after time.
Watching through windows...you're wondering if I'm okie.
Secrets stolen from deep inside.
The storm beats out of time.
If you're lost....
then you say, go slow...I'll fall behind...
my words cannot suffice. so I shall borrow from others. perhaps for a while now.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
and we'll never go to sleep. and I'll never even yawn...
today. my brother called me. his girlfriend is pregnant. leave it to the unmarried ones to have the first kid. :P
today. I am the most glad to have a moped. we escaped approximately 3 hours of traffic.
today. I am the most excited and nervous I have ever been to go visit someone. ;)
today. I have been too happy. and too sad.
today. I am the most glad to have a moped. we escaped approximately 3 hours of traffic.
today. I am the most excited and nervous I have ever been to go visit someone. ;)
today. I have been too happy. and too sad.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
tell her any way you can...not sorry....
I wanna make enough money
To run my life
From the top of a mountain
In the dead of night
It’ll be you and me
And a couple of dogs
And the rest of the world
Can just move on
Cuz i got what i want
And i got what i need
And there’s nothing
In this world
But you
For me
And there’ll be fish in the lake
And there’ll be chickens on the lawn
And we’ll never go to sleep
And i’ll never even yawn
And you’ll tell me lots of stories
About when i was old
And i wasn’t too much fun then
From all the stories i been told
Now i got what i want
And i got what i need
And there’s nothing
In this world
But you
For me
And all the those little things we like to talk about
All those little things we like to say
Nothing even matters at all
‘cept for how we live today
And we can sit up on the mountain
I can hold your hand
And we’ll forget all that we learned
And we’ll forget our plans
And we can see things clearly
In the absence of the light
And we’ll realize there’s nothing
More than this tonight
And i got what i want
And i got what i need
And there’s nothing
In this world
But you
For me
To run my life
From the top of a mountain
In the dead of night
It’ll be you and me
And a couple of dogs
And the rest of the world
Can just move on
Cuz i got what i want
And i got what i need
And there’s nothing
In this world
But you
For me
And there’ll be fish in the lake
And there’ll be chickens on the lawn
And we’ll never go to sleep
And i’ll never even yawn
And you’ll tell me lots of stories
About when i was old
And i wasn’t too much fun then
From all the stories i been told
Now i got what i want
And i got what i need
And there’s nothing
In this world
But you
For me
And all the those little things we like to talk about
All those little things we like to say
Nothing even matters at all
‘cept for how we live today
And we can sit up on the mountain
I can hold your hand
And we’ll forget all that we learned
And we’ll forget our plans
And we can see things clearly
In the absence of the light
And we’ll realize there’s nothing
More than this tonight
And i got what i want
And i got what i need
And there’s nothing
In this world
But you
For me
Monday, June 22, 2009
you are someone else...I am still right here....
I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain...the only thing that's real.
What have I become.
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
I think there is a tree frog in my house. or a cricket or two. it's quite loud now. or maybe it's just especially quiet otherwise.
I wish my mind was quiet. it's raging a storm. it's interesting to watch. and listen to. so I s'pose I don't wish my mind was quiet. someone once said that we only wish for the wrong things.
I started Dean Koontz's third book tonight. Brother Odd. good so far...I won't know for sure though until I finish it. until the end.
I've been thinking a good bit about death recently. and how I might die. and if I'll be ready. I want to be ready. so I try to prepare my mind for it. but I don't know I'm doing it correctly. or if it's working.
mad world.
I focus on the pain...the only thing that's real.
What have I become.
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
I think there is a tree frog in my house. or a cricket or two. it's quite loud now. or maybe it's just especially quiet otherwise.
I wish my mind was quiet. it's raging a storm. it's interesting to watch. and listen to. so I s'pose I don't wish my mind was quiet. someone once said that we only wish for the wrong things.
I started Dean Koontz's third book tonight. Brother Odd. good so far...I won't know for sure though until I finish it. until the end.
I've been thinking a good bit about death recently. and how I might die. and if I'll be ready. I want to be ready. so I try to prepare my mind for it. but I don't know I'm doing it correctly. or if it's working.
mad world.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
daddy's got a new .45....
father's day.
pop, I love you. I wish I could see you today.
also. to andy. guess how I tell you? ;)
pop, I love you. I wish I could see you today.
also. to andy. guess how I tell you? ;)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
autumn came around like a drifter to an onramp...
12.33.
12.34.
12.35.
it's running forever. like everyone you see.
I'm sticking with you. 'cause I'm made of glue.
I saw you hanging from a tree. and I may believe it was me.
But with you by my side, I can do anything...
When we swing, we hang past right and wrong.
I need to get into touch with an old friend. something seems to be holding me back, though. a story my mind is telling me. she called me a few days ago and I think about her every day. think about calling her back. but I don't. I feel as though I need to. that I ought to. I don't know what it is exactly. but I should. I know I'll enjoy our conversation. so I don't quite know what it is. procrastination? ;)
Andy and I are in the process of cleaning out our apartment. we're going through each room figuring out what we don't use or need. we've assembled it into two different piles. well, actually three. 1: trash. weee. 2. other people's items 3. garage sale. we have so much stuff we've never used or that we've only used a few times. ridiculous.
So far, we've cleaned the bathroom, kitchen, living room and now it's for the two rooms that will take the longest: bedroom and closet. wow, there is so much shit in there. oh yeah, and the closet on the balcony. sigh. ;) but I think we're doing good so far. ;) I'm excited to be getting rid of stuff.
so. two people I know have had babies recently. and I was trying to think if there was a third person I knew. and there is. it's the theory of people you know die in threes. I think people give birth in threes, too. weirdo.
I trained a girl at work today. she reminded me of a girl I used to work with named Julia. she was amazing. this new girl seems okie so far, although I wish she would brush her teeth. they're gross. and kinda black. icky. and I forgot my free meal. :(
an astronaut could have seen the hunger in my eyes from space. what?
12.34.
12.35.
it's running forever. like everyone you see.
I'm sticking with you. 'cause I'm made of glue.
I saw you hanging from a tree. and I may believe it was me.
But with you by my side, I can do anything...
When we swing, we hang past right and wrong.
I need to get into touch with an old friend. something seems to be holding me back, though. a story my mind is telling me. she called me a few days ago and I think about her every day. think about calling her back. but I don't. I feel as though I need to. that I ought to. I don't know what it is exactly. but I should. I know I'll enjoy our conversation. so I don't quite know what it is. procrastination? ;)
Andy and I are in the process of cleaning out our apartment. we're going through each room figuring out what we don't use or need. we've assembled it into two different piles. well, actually three. 1: trash. weee. 2. other people's items 3. garage sale. we have so much stuff we've never used or that we've only used a few times. ridiculous.
So far, we've cleaned the bathroom, kitchen, living room and now it's for the two rooms that will take the longest: bedroom and closet. wow, there is so much shit in there. oh yeah, and the closet on the balcony. sigh. ;) but I think we're doing good so far. ;) I'm excited to be getting rid of stuff.
so. two people I know have had babies recently. and I was trying to think if there was a third person I knew. and there is. it's the theory of people you know die in threes. I think people give birth in threes, too. weirdo.
I trained a girl at work today. she reminded me of a girl I used to work with named Julia. she was amazing. this new girl seems okie so far, although I wish she would brush her teeth. they're gross. and kinda black. icky. and I forgot my free meal. :(
an astronaut could have seen the hunger in my eyes from space. what?
Also...
Definitely check out our new blog about the house:
http://alt-house.blogspot.com/
it will be amazing. the end.
http://alt-house.blogspot.com/
it will be amazing. the end.
Monday, June 15, 2009
pictures of the house!
Sam. nailing.
Andy and I. the floor...
the frame!
Mike and Sam.
Judah! and Phil!
hmmm. can you find me?
sweet moses!
Andy grabbed my hammer...
measuring! and my bald head.
the front. and you can kinda see the side. and all the great amazing windows. and Sam's ass.
the front again. I love those doors.
Stephen. and his blue lips. from blowing a smurf. :P
I deserve a little more...
why do you lie? do you not trust me enough? can you not?
why are you hiding these simple truths from me?
as I ask you this, I know why. for I do it as well.
I cannot breathe today.
why are you hiding these simple truths from me?
as I ask you this, I know why. for I do it as well.
I cannot breathe today.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
the cosmic fish they love to kiss....
WE ARE BUILDING A HOUSE!
It is amazing. ;) we have the frame, part of the walls, the main floor, and the finished roof up. So now Phil is working on the plumbing. sweet moses, it's amazing. Electrical is next, then insulation... we kinda have to save some money up for both of those.
I really appreciate everyone working on it with us, you guys are amazing. and Sam....shit yeah. ;)
Work has been kinda crazy lately. the whole month of June, the Pentacostals are in town, camping out or going to their damn conferences or whatever. so they come in to eat in hordes. listen to the insanity - they come in 5-20 minutes before close, in multiple parties of 12, 15, 20, and 30, and stay for 2-3 hours. by this time its 1am. I suppose they don't realize that everyone in the restaurant has to stay 1-2 hours after they leave to clean their mess. I was there till...2am last night. sigh. what's also annoying is lazy people I work with...if I'm FOH closer, I have to either re-clean their section or wait FOREVER for them to either get their section done. they're so lazy. sigh.
I finished my Dean Koontz book last night. It's the second in the series of Odd Thomas. the books are pretty damn fantastic, and somehow the endings of the book always get to me the most. I always think the endings to anything - any movie or book - are the absolute most important. the ending makes the story. Idk, it's just really good.
That might be all I have today.
until next time...
It is amazing. ;) we have the frame, part of the walls, the main floor, and the finished roof up. So now Phil is working on the plumbing. sweet moses, it's amazing. Electrical is next, then insulation... we kinda have to save some money up for both of those.
I really appreciate everyone working on it with us, you guys are amazing. and Sam....shit yeah. ;)
Work has been kinda crazy lately. the whole month of June, the Pentacostals are in town, camping out or going to their damn conferences or whatever. so they come in to eat in hordes. listen to the insanity - they come in 5-20 minutes before close, in multiple parties of 12, 15, 20, and 30, and stay for 2-3 hours. by this time its 1am. I suppose they don't realize that everyone in the restaurant has to stay 1-2 hours after they leave to clean their mess. I was there till...2am last night. sigh. what's also annoying is lazy people I work with...if I'm FOH closer, I have to either re-clean their section or wait FOREVER for them to either get their section done. they're so lazy. sigh.
I finished my Dean Koontz book last night. It's the second in the series of Odd Thomas. the books are pretty damn fantastic, and somehow the endings of the book always get to me the most. I always think the endings to anything - any movie or book - are the absolute most important. the ending makes the story. Idk, it's just really good.
That might be all I have today.
until next time...
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
leave me...
I have had many interesting thoughts lately....
I want to make some crazy art...involving human body parts.
I am so happy I got my lava lamp fixed.
I feel hurt. I seem to always hurt the ones I love. over and over...
I feel crazy excited to be building a house. and scared.
I feel relieved to escape conversations.
I want to start writing again.
that's all for tonight. maybe more later....
leave me out with the waste.
I want to make some crazy art...involving human body parts.
I am so happy I got my lava lamp fixed.
I feel hurt. I seem to always hurt the ones I love. over and over...
I feel crazy excited to be building a house. and scared.
I feel relieved to escape conversations.
I want to start writing again.
that's all for tonight. maybe more later....
leave me out with the waste.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
is it safe?
Don't leave me now
I must confess
Haven't been the worst
Haven't been the best
Since you came
Don't take me now
I must confess
Found the word digress
And made it a home
Don't come try to find me now
I must confess
Holes in the story
Holes in myself...
It's all the same.
It's all the same.
I must confess
Haven't been the worst
Haven't been the best
Since you came
Don't take me now
I must confess
Found the word digress
And made it a home
Don't come try to find me now
I must confess
Holes in the story
Holes in myself...
It's all the same.
It's all the same.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
marry me juliet...
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Saturday, May 23, 2009
can't take my eyes off of you....
well. we are back from Europe. will be blogging about everything soon on www.vaguelyvagabonds.blogspot.com.
my first day back at work was yesterday. it went really well....mostly well. besides a $.02 tip.
everyone was excited to see me back, and asked me millions of questions about my trip straight off. it's really hard to tell everyone individually how it was...I was pretty much just saying the same exact things all night. and...getting hit on by a short redneck *who thinks he's black* new guy that just started working with us...yeah that was funny. besides the fact that these people never see my ring, they should know they have no chance before they even ask. ridiculous.
Andy totally bought me 'skittle' earrings. omg, they are the shit. orange, red, and green. ;)
I totally thought of you, Bekah, when I got them. ;)
not much else is going on...Kristy is leaving us to go to Florida on Monday, so we're having a bit of a party for her tonight...should be fun. I won't be there. I have to work. ;)
had a couchsurfer for a few days...it was an...interesting experience. since Andy tells me no experience is a bad experience, I'm just going to say it was...interesting. she was a very uncommunicative person, and I hate that. but it was okie overall....
life has seemed a little weird recently. kinda....disjointed maybe? maybe a little unreal? I don't really know the words to tell you. but it's not been much the same.
last night was a bit difficult in my head. when I start to think, sometimes it's really good. and all the rest of the time, it's just too much for me.
I've been reading 'The Book' by Alan Watts...it's been good so far. I don't understand much of it, save for every few pages. Stephen, I'm reminding you to give me Dean Koontz. you didn't yesterday.
for now.
my first day back at work was yesterday. it went really well....mostly well. besides a $.02 tip.
everyone was excited to see me back, and asked me millions of questions about my trip straight off. it's really hard to tell everyone individually how it was...I was pretty much just saying the same exact things all night. and...getting hit on by a short redneck *who thinks he's black* new guy that just started working with us...yeah that was funny. besides the fact that these people never see my ring, they should know they have no chance before they even ask. ridiculous.
Andy totally bought me 'skittle' earrings. omg, they are the shit. orange, red, and green. ;)
I totally thought of you, Bekah, when I got them. ;)
not much else is going on...Kristy is leaving us to go to Florida on Monday, so we're having a bit of a party for her tonight...should be fun. I won't be there. I have to work. ;)
had a couchsurfer for a few days...it was an...interesting experience. since Andy tells me no experience is a bad experience, I'm just going to say it was...interesting. she was a very uncommunicative person, and I hate that. but it was okie overall....
life has seemed a little weird recently. kinda....disjointed maybe? maybe a little unreal? I don't really know the words to tell you. but it's not been much the same.
last night was a bit difficult in my head. when I start to think, sometimes it's really good. and all the rest of the time, it's just too much for me.
I've been reading 'The Book' by Alan Watts...it's been good so far. I don't understand much of it, save for every few pages. Stephen, I'm reminding you to give me Dean Koontz. you didn't yesterday.
for now.
...
well. we are back from Europe. will be blogging about everything soon on www.vaguelyvagabonds.blogspot.com.
Friday, May 15, 2009
surrounded...
I feel lonely.
today. I read this.
When the knell rung for the dying
Soundeth for me
And my corpse coldly is lying
'Neath the green tree
When the turf strangers heaping
Covers my breast
Come not to gaze on me weeping
I am at rest.
today. I read this.
When the knell rung for the dying
Soundeth for me
And my corpse coldly is lying
'Neath the green tree
When the turf strangers heaping
Covers my breast
Come not to gaze on me weeping
I am at rest.
annie...
if you knew what was going to happen...before it happened...what would you do?
what would you do.
-Adam Duritz.
what would you do.
-Adam Duritz.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
you got me...no need to wonder why...
Paint represents experience and makes it actual. I do not start with the idea but the experience.
-Peter Langoru 1952
this is something I saw in the Tate Modern. this guy was brilliant. the sad thing is that I don't actually know that that is his last name because I can't read my own handwriting. so that's what I'm going to say it is.
I don't have much to write about. Andy and I are waiting at the Port for our ferry to leave...in about 5 hours. there's nothing else to do here tho. everything is closed, and the port, as you can imagine, is out in the middle of nowhere it seems like.
nonetheless, we will be in Holland tomorrow morning...and hopefully Amsterdam sometime tomorrow. ;) pretty excited.
that's all for now. much love to all.
-Peter Langoru 1952
this is something I saw in the Tate Modern. this guy was brilliant. the sad thing is that I don't actually know that that is his last name because I can't read my own handwriting. so that's what I'm going to say it is.
I don't have much to write about. Andy and I are waiting at the Port for our ferry to leave...in about 5 hours. there's nothing else to do here tho. everything is closed, and the port, as you can imagine, is out in the middle of nowhere it seems like.
nonetheless, we will be in Holland tomorrow morning...and hopefully Amsterdam sometime tomorrow. ;) pretty excited.
that's all for now. much love to all.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
you say hello...
and I say goodbye. hello hello.
I'm in London. and on the way to Amsterdam soon.
it seems quite surreal. but it's been good and fun and stressful so far...
miss everyone.
read vaguelyvagabonds.blogspot.com to get our blogs - Andy is writing them for now. I'll try to catch up on here, tho, soon.
ciao.
I'm in London. and on the way to Amsterdam soon.
it seems quite surreal. but it's been good and fun and stressful so far...
miss everyone.
read vaguelyvagabonds.blogspot.com to get our blogs - Andy is writing them for now. I'll try to catch up on here, tho, soon.
ciao.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
leave me out with the waste....
the feeling of betrayal is a funny feeling sometimes. I don't think I like it. at all.
Andy and I are leaving tomorrow. I'm not quite excited yet. I won't be when we get to the airport. I won't be when we get on the plane. I won't be when we land. but then my heart will start pounding in customs. and then I won't be able to stop smiling when the London air hits us.
I love waiting till the last minute to get everything ready. which is what we are doing. literally, everything. ;)
that's all I have. until then. there are no smiles.
Andy and I are leaving tomorrow. I'm not quite excited yet. I won't be when we get to the airport. I won't be when we get on the plane. I won't be when we land. but then my heart will start pounding in customs. and then I won't be able to stop smiling when the London air hits us.
I love waiting till the last minute to get everything ready. which is what we are doing. literally, everything. ;)
that's all I have. until then. there are no smiles.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
for you...
I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Every time I fell on you, yeah, every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.
I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue.
I tried to do headstands for you
Every time I fell on you, yeah, every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.
I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
tomorrow you'll be worlds away....
The Light shine on you, and the Creator shelter you.
The last embrace of the mother welcome you home.
I think about death alot. mostly my own death.
I don't want anything to mark where my body lies after I die. I don't really want a funeral. I want to be buried somewhere obscure and those two lines said of/over/about me. nothing else. noone should grieve over me or keep my ashes or visit a gravestone. none of that.
The last embrace of the mother welcome you home.
I think about death alot. mostly my own death.
I don't want anything to mark where my body lies after I die. I don't really want a funeral. I want to be buried somewhere obscure and those two lines said of/over/about me. nothing else. noone should grieve over me or keep my ashes or visit a gravestone. none of that.
Friday, April 24, 2009
like a boss...
Tonight. I went bowling. I didn't do so well.
Now I'm drinking some delicious orange juice.
I've been feeling some interesting feelings lately that I haven't felt in a very long time. it's strange..and good at the same time. sometimes it's good to feel.
That's all I have. work was okie tonight, nothing amazing, nothing too terrible.
like a boss.
Now I'm drinking some delicious orange juice.
I've been feeling some interesting feelings lately that I haven't felt in a very long time. it's strange..and good at the same time. sometimes it's good to feel.
That's all I have. work was okie tonight, nothing amazing, nothing too terrible.
like a boss.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I'm on a boat!
I had a pretty good day today...
I worked for a few hours this morning. Misty told me I was going to turn into a cheeseburger. she makes me laugh.
Then I went to the pool with Phil, Stephen, and Judah. I fell asleep. and Stephen said I was snoring. but I don't believe him.
We played blackjack. and charades. and smoked. and ran around the 'partment like crazy people. AND THEN! we got ICECREAM! and it was delicious. mmmmm, strawberry.
Oh. and everyone made fun of me for saying words funny. these words in particular: strawberry, battery, catergory....hmmm. dunno what else. maybe computer. dunno. they're weird.
I finished the movie, "The man from earth" tonight. it was...interesting. it sort of reminded me of a play...all one setting pretty much, six actors or so...it was good, tho. I'd recommend it.
I think I'm getting the sickness that Andy has...:( not good. I have a whole week of work ahead of me. and I really need that work. oh well...we'll see.
I worked for a few hours this morning. Misty told me I was going to turn into a cheeseburger. she makes me laugh.
Then I went to the pool with Phil, Stephen, and Judah. I fell asleep. and Stephen said I was snoring. but I don't believe him.
We played blackjack. and charades. and smoked. and ran around the 'partment like crazy people. AND THEN! we got ICECREAM! and it was delicious. mmmmm, strawberry.
Oh. and everyone made fun of me for saying words funny. these words in particular: strawberry, battery, catergory....hmmm. dunno what else. maybe computer. dunno. they're weird.
I finished the movie, "The man from earth" tonight. it was...interesting. it sort of reminded me of a play...all one setting pretty much, six actors or so...it was good, tho. I'd recommend it.
I think I'm getting the sickness that Andy has...:( not good. I have a whole week of work ahead of me. and I really need that work. oh well...we'll see.
Monday, April 20, 2009
one more day...
One day more.
Another day, another destiny,
This never ending road to Calvary.
These men who seem to know my crime will surely come a second time.
One day more.
Another day, another destiny,
This never ending road to Calvary.
These men who seem to know my crime will surely come a second time.
One day more.
have you tried turning it off and on again?
I haven't written my story/book since before December. I don't know if I can call it a book. it's not really a book. just a story. I wrote it quite a while ago over the span of a few years, and now I'm kind of rewriting it...making the writing readable and the story actually believable.
Only one person has ever read it. I used to write it for her. now I write it for me.
Knicely left this morning. Ben and Knicely had an interesting conversation last night. I miss having conversations with Ben.
I smoked a Djarum Gold today. it was interesting. I definitely prefer Djarum Blacks though.
Stephen and I watched both Sam's softball games today. they won both...barely. :P Sam did well. especially when we booed him. ;) we ate almost all of Phil's skittles. not really, Phil.
Andy is sick. I feel that there is nothing I can do for him. and it makes me sad.
Good 4.20 to you. ;)
Only one person has ever read it. I used to write it for her. now I write it for me.
Knicely left this morning. Ben and Knicely had an interesting conversation last night. I miss having conversations with Ben.
I smoked a Djarum Gold today. it was interesting. I definitely prefer Djarum Blacks though.
Stephen and I watched both Sam's softball games today. they won both...barely. :P Sam did well. especially when we booed him. ;) we ate almost all of Phil's skittles. not really, Phil.
Andy is sick. I feel that there is nothing I can do for him. and it makes me sad.
Good 4.20 to you. ;)
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I'm not sorry....
Today, I won a poker game. Sam and I were heads up for the longest time. then I won with Q8. ridiculous.
and I smoked a clove. or two. okie, three.
Andy is sick. I don't know what to do for him, save give him medicine. and try to make him rest. he's working now. and I miss him.
I'm pretty excited about Andy's and my two week trip to England in May. it'll be Andy's first time to Europe and my second trip. we're thinking about going over to Amsterdam for a few days as well...see the tulips, smoke a bit...should be good.
Also pretty excited to get started on building our own house. weeee. ;)
I think I'm going to start working on my story again...it's been a while since I've written.
that is all for now folks.
and I smoked a clove. or two. okie, three.
Andy is sick. I don't know what to do for him, save give him medicine. and try to make him rest. he's working now. and I miss him.
I'm pretty excited about Andy's and my two week trip to England in May. it'll be Andy's first time to Europe and my second trip. we're thinking about going over to Amsterdam for a few days as well...see the tulips, smoke a bit...should be good.
Also pretty excited to get started on building our own house. weeee. ;)
I think I'm going to start working on my story again...it's been a while since I've written.
that is all for now folks.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Sometimes....
...I don't know what to feel.
Sometimes...I really just don't know how. Or what is right to feel.
I feel so happy. And I feel so sad. Betrayed, but yet the betrayer.
What is right?
How do I go back to what is right?
There is never time. I can't hold on to time...it's always leaving. Everything and everyone is always leaving.
And yet, is feeling even true? I cannot even trust my feelings. Yet, how do I live without them? Can I live without right or wrong?
I don't know. I wish I knew sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes...I really just don't know how. Or what is right to feel.
I feel so happy. And I feel so sad. Betrayed, but yet the betrayer.
What is right?
How do I go back to what is right?
There is never time. I can't hold on to time...it's always leaving. Everything and everyone is always leaving.
And yet, is feeling even true? I cannot even trust my feelings. Yet, how do I live without them? Can I live without right or wrong?
I don't know. I wish I knew sometimes.
Sometimes.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
tuesday work...
My day at work.
Me: "Hello. How are ya'll doing today?"
Table: *something indistinguishable*
Me: "...Can I get you started on something to drink?"
Table: *strange mumbling*
Me: "....What....would...ya'll....like to drink?" I'm trying to overly emphasize every word.
Table: "ehhhhh. uhmmmmm. waaater."
I notice as I walk off that the woman has no teeth and the man has one. ONE.
So I get them two waters. and free bread.
Me: "Are we ready to order now?"
Table: "Broccoli. and. Potatoes."
Me: "And for your entrees?" *by now, since the man seems mute, I assume that they will be ordering the exact same.*
Table: "THE SPECIAL!"
Me: *clearing my throat* "The menu is in front of you, there are 16 different items you can choose off of the special menu."
Table: "I WANT the sirloin."
Me: "Very well. It will be out shortly."
I grab their menus and stalk off. What the fuck did I do, seriously. I'm not going even going to ask how they want their steaks grilled, of course they're going to want them really really well done...burnt. Of course. I'm not going to ask if they want mashed potatoes or baked potatoes...or what they want on them. I don't care. You treat me badly, or yell at me, I'm going to want to spit in your food or give you terrible service. But I don't. Because some of us are above that.
I was cursed with these tables all damn day.
Okie, I trying to refrain from saying anything too terrible about people with no teeth, I get that you maybe you don't have money for dental care, etc, etc, but. Do not expect me to read your damn mind. Do not bitch at me. Do not treat me like your personal servant. I am not there for that. I'm not even there for you. I don't want to be your friend, I'm only there to make money. It is my job.
The end.
Hmmmm.
Me: "Hello. How are ya'll doing today?"
Table: *something indistinguishable*
Me: "...Can I get you started on something to drink?"
Table: *strange mumbling*
Me: "....What....would...ya'll....like to drink?" I'm trying to overly emphasize every word.
Table: "ehhhhh. uhmmmmm. waaater."
I notice as I walk off that the woman has no teeth and the man has one. ONE.
So I get them two waters. and free bread.
Me: "Are we ready to order now?"
Table: "Broccoli. and. Potatoes."
Me: "And for your entrees?" *by now, since the man seems mute, I assume that they will be ordering the exact same.*
Table: "THE SPECIAL!"
Me: *clearing my throat* "The menu is in front of you, there are 16 different items you can choose off of the special menu."
Table: "I WANT the sirloin."
Me: "Very well. It will be out shortly."
I grab their menus and stalk off. What the fuck did I do, seriously. I'm not going even going to ask how they want their steaks grilled, of course they're going to want them really really well done...burnt. Of course. I'm not going to ask if they want mashed potatoes or baked potatoes...or what they want on them. I don't care. You treat me badly, or yell at me, I'm going to want to spit in your food or give you terrible service. But I don't. Because some of us are above that.
I was cursed with these tables all damn day.
Okie, I trying to refrain from saying anything too terrible about people with no teeth, I get that you maybe you don't have money for dental care, etc, etc, but. Do not expect me to read your damn mind. Do not bitch at me. Do not treat me like your personal servant. I am not there for that. I'm not even there for you. I don't want to be your friend, I'm only there to make money. It is my job.
The end.
Hmmmm.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
got this from the insane waiter....
1. What is your favorite word?
Cacophony. or Plethora. that's two. take that.
2. What is your least favorite word?
something that starts with a g...I can't think of it, tho. the end.
3. What turns you on?
Andy. ;)
4. What turns you off?
people with no teeth. ewww.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck. it's boring, I know. but I just love that word.
6. What sound or noise do you love?
waterfalls
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
loud laughter
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Actress
9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
Astronaut. I'm afraid I would get lost in space. and then an alien would get inside me.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"I'm glad you're home."
Cacophony. or Plethora. that's two. take that.
2. What is your least favorite word?
something that starts with a g...I can't think of it, tho. the end.
3. What turns you on?
Andy. ;)
4. What turns you off?
people with no teeth. ewww.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck. it's boring, I know. but I just love that word.
6. What sound or noise do you love?
waterfalls
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
loud laughter
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Actress
9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
Astronaut. I'm afraid I would get lost in space. and then an alien would get inside me.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"I'm glad you're home."
Monday, April 6, 2009
softball. and random shit.
so today, I am sunburnt.
the other day I went and watched sam play 5...6?...games of softball in a tournament. it was crazy. I sat out in the sun all day. by myself. and then with stephen.
they won two games. weee.
today. we watched them again. they won both games. severely kicked some ass. it was nice. stephen and phil and I talked about sex. then...we ate a 41oz bag of skittles. and mikeandikes. delicious.
I haven't had to work in 4 days...it's been pretty nice. but I go back to work tomorrow. work is good. tiring, but good. it's really difficult sometimes being nice to people. but that's what I do.
I've started watching the L word. I don't know if I like it yet or not. I do, but then I don't sometimes. then I do again. then I can't stop watching it. then I turn into freaky psycho L word freak. woah. that's getting weird. no, I don't know. it interests me. ;)
hmmmm. what else has been going on. that's all I can think of for now. I need to sew some more patches on my couch...there are rips and holes appearing everywhere. hmmm. yes.
alright, I'm off to watch a movie called 'elegy' with ben kingsley. then possibly some unconsciousness for a few hours.
good night to all.
the other day I went and watched sam play 5...6?...games of softball in a tournament. it was crazy. I sat out in the sun all day. by myself. and then with stephen.
they won two games. weee.
today. we watched them again. they won both games. severely kicked some ass. it was nice. stephen and phil and I talked about sex. then...we ate a 41oz bag of skittles. and mikeandikes. delicious.
I haven't had to work in 4 days...it's been pretty nice. but I go back to work tomorrow. work is good. tiring, but good. it's really difficult sometimes being nice to people. but that's what I do.
I've started watching the L word. I don't know if I like it yet or not. I do, but then I don't sometimes. then I do again. then I can't stop watching it. then I turn into freaky psycho L word freak. woah. that's getting weird. no, I don't know. it interests me. ;)
hmmmm. what else has been going on. that's all I can think of for now. I need to sew some more patches on my couch...there are rips and holes appearing everywhere. hmmm. yes.
alright, I'm off to watch a movie called 'elegy' with ben kingsley. then possibly some unconsciousness for a few hours.
good night to all.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
in my head...
Damien Rice. Lonely Soldier.
Lonely Soldier go home,
Lonely, but never alone..
Good eyes, see nothing to shoot
Good feet, feel good, givin' up good boots
Ask your father how'd you fall
Ask your father how'd you fall
Like a leaf, sitting on the ground
Good for nothing, except kicking around..
She died with her hand stretched out
She died with a hungry mouth
She died with her mind full of doubt
and thought of weakening..
And so may your river never dry
May your mouth never lie
May you be satisfied to never know why
Sometimes, someone just wants to die...
Where did you get those cuts on your hand?
I thought I told you bout playin in the sand
There's always someone careless with glass
There's always questions no one won't ask
She died with her hand stretched out
She died with a hungry mouth
She died with her mind full of doubt
and thought of weakening..
May your river never dry
May your mouth never lie
May you be satisfied to never know why
Sometimes, someone just wants to die...
So Lonely Soldier go home,
Lonely, but never alone..
Good eyes, see nothing to shoot
Good feet, feel good, givin' up good boots
Lonely Soldier go home,
Lonely, but never alone..
Good eyes, see nothing to shoot
Good feet, feel good, givin' up good boots
Ask your father how'd you fall
Ask your father how'd you fall
Like a leaf, sitting on the ground
Good for nothing, except kicking around..
She died with her hand stretched out
She died with a hungry mouth
She died with her mind full of doubt
and thought of weakening..
And so may your river never dry
May your mouth never lie
May you be satisfied to never know why
Sometimes, someone just wants to die...
Where did you get those cuts on your hand?
I thought I told you bout playin in the sand
There's always someone careless with glass
There's always questions no one won't ask
She died with her hand stretched out
She died with a hungry mouth
She died with her mind full of doubt
and thought of weakening..
May your river never dry
May your mouth never lie
May you be satisfied to never know why
Sometimes, someone just wants to die...
So Lonely Soldier go home,
Lonely, but never alone..
Good eyes, see nothing to shoot
Good feet, feel good, givin' up good boots
today...so far...
so today. I woke up at 6am. and stayed awake. this never happens. I usually work every night until 11.30, so I'm always sleeping late in the morning.
I don't remember what woke me up, maybe a dream. I think it was about vampires.
then I talked to Sam for a bit before he went to work. then I watched an episode of Life.
I meant to go outside, but I thought it would be too cold. so I didn't.
so I did random shit on my computer for a few hours...then I got bored. and decided to go back to bed.
so I fell asleep again. one time, Andy put his hands on my back, and I think I was dreaming again, because I thought they were Stephen's. hmmm. I don't know what this means.
and then I woke up at one. and took a shower. and now I am on my computer again. I have to work soon. so I think I might go be with Andy for a bit.
Damien Rice's "Lonely Soldier" has been stuck in my head today. listen to it.
I don't remember what woke me up, maybe a dream. I think it was about vampires.
then I talked to Sam for a bit before he went to work. then I watched an episode of Life.
I meant to go outside, but I thought it would be too cold. so I didn't.
so I did random shit on my computer for a few hours...then I got bored. and decided to go back to bed.
so I fell asleep again. one time, Andy put his hands on my back, and I think I was dreaming again, because I thought they were Stephen's. hmmm. I don't know what this means.
and then I woke up at one. and took a shower. and now I am on my computer again. I have to work soon. so I think I might go be with Andy for a bit.
Damien Rice's "Lonely Soldier" has been stuck in my head today. listen to it.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
2008...
2008
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
get married to the most amazing man in the world. move to a different city. work two jobs.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember the ones I made last year, and I did not make any for this year. I would only just forget them after a few weeks.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my SILs, Sarah and Andrea.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no.
5. What countries did you visit?
none. :( most my traveling so far has happened in 2007.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more time with my Andy. more time with my awesome friends and family.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Andy proposing March 29th to me in Austin. getting married on July 12th. my nieces birth on July 7th and 9th. Steph and Lee's wedding September 27th. skydiving on July 14th. everything happened in July. ;) my 19th birthday December 27th. oh January 11th - I shaved my head.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
learning to live in Lufkin? lol. being married.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I'm not sure I had one?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
strep throat...nothing serious, though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
moped, helmet, leather jacket. our wedding. Andy bought me an icecream machine. :D
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
hmmm. everyone's?
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
hmmmm. don't know either. probably my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
our wedding. a new apartment.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
getting married. AND. skydiving. those were definitely like...EXCITEMENT HIGH. :D
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Joe Dassin's "Aux Champs Elysees"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
happier. I have the most amazing husband in the world. and the most amazing group of friends ever. I love you guys so much.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
spent more time with all my siblings. traveled more. read more.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching TV/movies.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with people I love.
21. How will you be spending New Years?
I spend New Years for the first time with my Andy.
we also had a big bonfire and I had an amazing time with Sam before he left to go back to Canada.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter. Pushing Daisies.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no.
26. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter. the Hobbit.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
maybe Iron and Wine.
28. What did you want and got?
my deary.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
ah. so many. Paris Je Taime. Wall-E. Twilight. the Dark Knight. Hancock. Sweeney Todd. Pineapple Express(omgamazingmovie!). In Bruges.
notable mention goes to Get Smart, Tropic Thunder, and StepBrothers for making me laugh.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
19! had a partay, got a bit tipsy, played our amazing dare/dare game, :P made some friendships better....
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
letting go.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
hippie!
34. What kept you sane?
my Andy. being with friends and family. talking with Ben.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ellen Page. Rachel McAdams. always Johnny Depp.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I really had no opinion on most things that I can think of now.
37. Who did you miss?
Andy and the Harbucks at the beginning of the year. my family and friends in SA from July on. *sad smile*
38. Who was the best new person you met? Rachel, Stephen, Maggie, Judah, Kristy, Amanda, Merida. and getting closer to Sam, Phil, Sarah and Ben.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
let go.
forgive.
listen.
motorcycles are a must.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
get married to the most amazing man in the world. move to a different city. work two jobs.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember the ones I made last year, and I did not make any for this year. I would only just forget them after a few weeks.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my SILs, Sarah and Andrea.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no.
5. What countries did you visit?
none. :( most my traveling so far has happened in 2007.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more time with my Andy. more time with my awesome friends and family.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Andy proposing March 29th to me in Austin. getting married on July 12th. my nieces birth on July 7th and 9th. Steph and Lee's wedding September 27th. skydiving on July 14th. everything happened in July. ;) my 19th birthday December 27th. oh January 11th - I shaved my head.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
learning to live in Lufkin? lol. being married.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I'm not sure I had one?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
strep throat...nothing serious, though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
moped, helmet, leather jacket. our wedding. Andy bought me an icecream machine. :D
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
hmmm. everyone's?
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
hmmmm. don't know either. probably my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
our wedding. a new apartment.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
getting married. AND. skydiving. those were definitely like...EXCITEMENT HIGH. :D
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Joe Dassin's "Aux Champs Elysees"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
happier. I have the most amazing husband in the world. and the most amazing group of friends ever. I love you guys so much.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
spent more time with all my siblings. traveled more. read more.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching TV/movies.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with people I love.
21. How will you be spending New Years?
I spend New Years for the first time with my Andy.
we also had a big bonfire and I had an amazing time with Sam before he left to go back to Canada.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter. Pushing Daisies.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no.
26. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter. the Hobbit.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
maybe Iron and Wine.
28. What did you want and got?
my deary.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
ah. so many. Paris Je Taime. Wall-E. Twilight. the Dark Knight. Hancock. Sweeney Todd. Pineapple Express(omgamazingmovie!). In Bruges.
notable mention goes to Get Smart, Tropic Thunder, and StepBrothers for making me laugh.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
19! had a partay, got a bit tipsy, played our amazing dare/dare game, :P made some friendships better....
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
letting go.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
hippie!
34. What kept you sane?
my Andy. being with friends and family. talking with Ben.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ellen Page. Rachel McAdams. always Johnny Depp.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I really had no opinion on most things that I can think of now.
37. Who did you miss?
Andy and the Harbucks at the beginning of the year. my family and friends in SA from July on. *sad smile*
38. Who was the best new person you met? Rachel, Stephen, Maggie, Judah, Kristy, Amanda, Merida. and getting closer to Sam, Phil, Sarah and Ben.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
let go.
forgive.
listen.
motorcycles are a must.
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