hey you guuuuys....:)

We just got back from vacation to Florida. it was so lovely. I'll try to write a post or two about it in the next couple of days.
Yesterday was the first day back at work, it actually went okie. it was very very long and my legs were a tiny bit swollen by the end of it, but it was a pretty good day. :)

I'm now...21 weeks and 4 days. I'm stressing alot about work clothes. I went and bought some maternity shirts the other day that were cute, kinda big though so I'm hoping to grow into them. I even tried on some maternity pants and I couldn't buy them. I just couldn't do it. they were pretty awful to say the least. I know I'll need them at some point, but I think I'm going to stick with my one pair of black work pants that I can still squeeze into at this point. :)

A lot of new activities going on recently...staying very busy, but other than that, nothing to report. :)

I've been thinking about you lately. I wish I could share this part of my life with you. I'm so sorry.

oh, worst part of the morning so far? I woke up to eat some strawberries and they were ALL rotten. dammit, walmart, you ruined my morning. :/

surprise...

I felt the baby move on Sunday the 14th for the first time. most amazing thing yet. :)

we are currently attempting to get the house ready for her. Andy has done an incredibly fantastic job arranging the house and getting everything we need. we have a crib, storage in the form of small dressers, curtains...now we just need everything for her...which may cost a fortune. we've spent a bunch already.
I think pink may finally have to enter my life. my entire adult life since I can remember, I have almost loathed the color. I never wear it and don't have anything pink in my house. I'd dress her in blue and green and everyone would say, "oh what a beautiful baby boy you have." well I suppose I wouldn't like to be called a boy right in front of my face either. ;) so pink it is. :)

I am 19 weeks and 5 days today. almost halfway there. I love her so much already.

he's very proud...

I have a Sunday evening off. one of the first two EVER since I got promoted in January. it seems miraculous.

I'm sitting at home with my laptop, watching the last daylight of the day disappear behind the trees. I'm watching Star Trek with my man and eating some popcorn.
Star Trek. I've always been more of a Star Wars fan. I don't think I'll ever *like Star Trek. but you know...

I'm going home next Sunday. I have exactly one week until I get to see my parents and brothers and sisters (will miss Steph and Jonathan) and meet my new nephew. I'm very excited. not only will I get a 4 day break from work, but I haven't seen my family in a while, and I miss them very much.

every time they say the name "Q", I think they are saying puke. :)

so you think you can?

I wrote this a little while ago when it was heavy on my mind. I read it again today and decided to post it after all.


sometimes I wonder why it is that I can turn off an emotion so easily.
there's this chemical in my body that tells my brain I'm very into
this thing or this person, and I believe they can make me happy. then
something switches. and there's another chemical in my body that tells
me this thing or person is alright, but I really don't care to have
much to do with them.

sometimes I think I have a man's mindset in that I enjoy the challenge
and the race of any certain thing so much that, with few exceptions, when the challenge is
completed, there's nothing left. and I feel somewhat guilty for it,
but it's what I feel. I can't help it. and mostly, I don't want to. I
don't want to change myself from feeling something because what I'm
feeling in that moment is *real. whatever it may be. because it is what it is.

I think it's part of growing up.
when I was a child, I made friends and I believed those friends would
last forever. none of them did. and when I lost one of my best
friends, no strings attached, I believe that's when I grew up. and I
don't know if I can make that connection again with someone. maybe I
can't, because I don't believe I can. and I feel strangely okie with that.

I've never been one to be the life of the party, the crazy one, the funny one,
but I have always found my way. the strange way, they call me weird.
but I've noticed a change in myself lately. a little more strange than usual.
the wanting nothing to do with anyone when they've lost their luster. I'm not
quite sure if I should let it be...or try to change it.


it poured all night last night. it's very rainy and dreary today. all I want to do is lay in bed and watch shows. I just wish my deary was here.

pain, vicodin, sleep, repeat...

she lost the baby.
now what?
how do you move on?

time.
but time does not make it better. time makes it worse. you forget. and you hate yourself for it.