so why'd you fill my sorrow....

Today. I wanted to die.

if I could only be where you are....

Today. I miss my family. Alot.

for you...

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Every time I fell on you, yeah, every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue.

tomorrow you'll be worlds away....

The Light shine on you, and the Creator shelter you.
The last embrace of the mother welcome you home.


I think about death alot. mostly my own death.
I don't want anything to mark where my body lies after I die. I don't really want a funeral. I want to be buried somewhere obscure and those two lines said of/over/about me. nothing else. noone should grieve over me or keep my ashes or visit a gravestone. none of that.

like a boss...

Tonight. I went bowling. I didn't do so well.

Now I'm drinking some delicious orange juice.

I've been feeling some interesting feelings lately that I haven't felt in a very long time. it's strange..and good at the same time. sometimes it's good to feel.

That's all I have. work was okie tonight, nothing amazing, nothing too terrible.

like a boss.

.....

Work was hell today. I don't even want to talk about it tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm on a boat!

I had a pretty good day today...

I worked for a few hours this morning. Misty told me I was going to turn into a cheeseburger. she makes me laugh.

Then I went to the pool with Phil, Stephen, and Judah. I fell asleep. and Stephen said I was snoring. but I don't believe him.
We played blackjack. and charades. and smoked. and ran around the 'partment like crazy people. AND THEN! we got ICECREAM! and it was delicious. mmmmm, strawberry.

Oh. and everyone made fun of me for saying words funny. these words in particular: strawberry, battery, catergory....hmmm. dunno what else. maybe computer. dunno. they're weird.

I finished the movie, "The man from earth" tonight. it was...interesting. it sort of reminded me of a play...all one setting pretty much, six actors or so...it was good, tho. I'd recommend it.

I think I'm getting the sickness that Andy has...:( not good. I have a whole week of work ahead of me. and I really need that work. oh well...we'll see.

one more day...

One day more.
Another day, another destiny,
This never ending road to Calvary.
These men who seem to know my crime will surely come a second time.
One day more.

have you tried turning it off and on again?

I haven't written my story/book since before December. I don't know if I can call it a book. it's not really a book. just a story. I wrote it quite a while ago over the span of a few years, and now I'm kind of rewriting it...making the writing readable and the story actually believable.
Only one person has ever read it. I used to write it for her. now I write it for me.

Knicely left this morning. Ben and Knicely had an interesting conversation last night. I miss having conversations with Ben.

I smoked a Djarum Gold today. it was interesting. I definitely prefer Djarum Blacks though.

Stephen and I watched both Sam's softball games today. they won both...barely. :P Sam did well. especially when we booed him. ;) we ate almost all of Phil's skittles. not really, Phil.

Andy is sick. I feel that there is nothing I can do for him. and it makes me sad.

Good 4.20 to you. ;)

I'm not sorry....

Today, I won a poker game. Sam and I were heads up for the longest time. then I won with Q8. ridiculous.

and I smoked a clove. or two. okie, three.

Andy is sick. I don't know what to do for him, save give him medicine. and try to make him rest. he's working now. and I miss him.

I'm pretty excited about Andy's and my two week trip to England in May. it'll be Andy's first time to Europe and my second trip. we're thinking about going over to Amsterdam for a few days as well...see the tulips, smoke a bit...should be good.
Also pretty excited to get started on building our own house. weeee. ;)

I think I'm going to start working on my story again...it's been a while since I've written.

that is all for now folks.

Sometimes....

...I don't know what to feel.
Sometimes...I really just don't know how. Or what is right to feel.

I feel so happy. And I feel so sad. Betrayed, but yet the betrayer.

What is right?

How do I go back to what is right?

There is never time. I can't hold on to time...it's always leaving. Everything and everyone is always leaving.

And yet, is feeling even true? I cannot even trust my feelings. Yet, how do I live without them? Can I live without right or wrong?

I don't know. I wish I knew sometimes.

Sometimes.

tuesday work...

My day at work.

Me: "Hello. How are ya'll doing today?"
Table: *something indistinguishable*
Me: "...Can I get you started on something to drink?"
Table: *strange mumbling*
Me: "....What....would...ya'll....like to drink?" I'm trying to overly emphasize every word.
Table: "ehhhhh. uhmmmmm. waaater."

I notice as I walk off that the woman has no teeth and the man has one. ONE.
So I get them two waters. and free bread.

Me: "Are we ready to order now?"
Table: "Broccoli. and. Potatoes."
Me: "And for your entrees?" *by now, since the man seems mute, I assume that they will be ordering the exact same.*
Table: "THE SPECIAL!"
Me: *clearing my throat* "The menu is in front of you, there are 16 different items you can choose off of the special menu."
Table: "I WANT the sirloin."
Me: "Very well. It will be out shortly."

I grab their menus and stalk off. What the fuck did I do, seriously. I'm not going even going to ask how they want their steaks grilled, of course they're going to want them really really well done...burnt. Of course. I'm not going to ask if they want mashed potatoes or baked potatoes...or what they want on them. I don't care. You treat me badly, or yell at me, I'm going to want to spit in your food or give you terrible service. But I don't. Because some of us are above that.

I was cursed with these tables all damn day.

Okie, I trying to refrain from saying anything too terrible about people with no teeth, I get that you maybe you don't have money for dental care, etc, etc, but. Do not expect me to read your damn mind. Do not bitch at me. Do not treat me like your personal servant. I am not there for that. I'm not even there for you. I don't want to be your friend, I'm only there to make money. It is my job.

The end.

Hmmmm.

got this from the insane waiter....

1. What is your favorite word?

Cacophony. or Plethora. that's two. take that.

2. What is your least favorite word?

something that starts with a g...I can't think of it, tho. the end.

3. What turns you on?

Andy. ;)

4. What turns you off?

people with no teeth. ewww.

5. What is your favorite curse word?

Fuck. it's boring, I know. but I just love that word.

6. What sound or noise do you love?

waterfalls

7. What sound or noise do you hate?

loud laughter

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Actress

9. What profession would you not like to attempt?

Astronaut. I'm afraid I would get lost in space. and then an alien would get inside me.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

"I'm glad you're home."

softball. and random shit.

so today, I am sunburnt.
the other day I went and watched sam play 5...6?...games of softball in a tournament. it was crazy. I sat out in the sun all day. by myself. and then with stephen.
they won two games. weee.

today. we watched them again. they won both games. severely kicked some ass. it was nice. stephen and phil and I talked about sex. then...we ate a 41oz bag of skittles. and mikeandikes. delicious.

I haven't had to work in 4 days...it's been pretty nice. but I go back to work tomorrow. work is good. tiring, but good. it's really difficult sometimes being nice to people. but that's what I do.

I've started watching the L word. I don't know if I like it yet or not. I do, but then I don't sometimes. then I do again. then I can't stop watching it. then I turn into freaky psycho L word freak. woah. that's getting weird. no, I don't know. it interests me. ;)

hmmmm. what else has been going on. that's all I can think of for now. I need to sew some more patches on my couch...there are rips and holes appearing everywhere. hmmm. yes.

alright, I'm off to watch a movie called 'elegy' with ben kingsley. then possibly some unconsciousness for a few hours.

good night to all.