...I don't know what to feel.
Sometimes...I really just don't know how. Or what is right to feel.
I feel so happy. And I feel so sad. Betrayed, but yet the betrayer.
What is right?
How do I go back to what is right?
There is never time. I can't hold on to time...it's always leaving. Everything and everyone is always leaving.
And yet, is feeling even true? I cannot even trust my feelings. Yet, how do I live without them? Can I live without right or wrong?
I don't know. I wish I knew sometimes.
Sometimes.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
tuesday work...
My day at work.
Me: "Hello. How are ya'll doing today?"
Table: *something indistinguishable*
Me: "...Can I get you started on something to drink?"
Table: *strange mumbling*
Me: "....What....would...ya'll....like to drink?" I'm trying to overly emphasize every word.
Table: "ehhhhh. uhmmmmm. waaater."
I notice as I walk off that the woman has no teeth and the man has one. ONE.
So I get them two waters. and free bread.
Me: "Are we ready to order now?"
Table: "Broccoli. and. Potatoes."
Me: "And for your entrees?" *by now, since the man seems mute, I assume that they will be ordering the exact same.*
Table: "THE SPECIAL!"
Me: *clearing my throat* "The menu is in front of you, there are 16 different items you can choose off of the special menu."
Table: "I WANT the sirloin."
Me: "Very well. It will be out shortly."
I grab their menus and stalk off. What the fuck did I do, seriously. I'm not going even going to ask how they want their steaks grilled, of course they're going to want them really really well done...burnt. Of course. I'm not going to ask if they want mashed potatoes or baked potatoes...or what they want on them. I don't care. You treat me badly, or yell at me, I'm going to want to spit in your food or give you terrible service. But I don't. Because some of us are above that.
I was cursed with these tables all damn day.
Okie, I trying to refrain from saying anything too terrible about people with no teeth, I get that you maybe you don't have money for dental care, etc, etc, but. Do not expect me to read your damn mind. Do not bitch at me. Do not treat me like your personal servant. I am not there for that. I'm not even there for you. I don't want to be your friend, I'm only there to make money. It is my job.
The end.
Hmmmm.
Me: "Hello. How are ya'll doing today?"
Table: *something indistinguishable*
Me: "...Can I get you started on something to drink?"
Table: *strange mumbling*
Me: "....What....would...ya'll....like to drink?" I'm trying to overly emphasize every word.
Table: "ehhhhh. uhmmmmm. waaater."
I notice as I walk off that the woman has no teeth and the man has one. ONE.
So I get them two waters. and free bread.
Me: "Are we ready to order now?"
Table: "Broccoli. and. Potatoes."
Me: "And for your entrees?" *by now, since the man seems mute, I assume that they will be ordering the exact same.*
Table: "THE SPECIAL!"
Me: *clearing my throat* "The menu is in front of you, there are 16 different items you can choose off of the special menu."
Table: "I WANT the sirloin."
Me: "Very well. It will be out shortly."
I grab their menus and stalk off. What the fuck did I do, seriously. I'm not going even going to ask how they want their steaks grilled, of course they're going to want them really really well done...burnt. Of course. I'm not going to ask if they want mashed potatoes or baked potatoes...or what they want on them. I don't care. You treat me badly, or yell at me, I'm going to want to spit in your food or give you terrible service. But I don't. Because some of us are above that.
I was cursed with these tables all damn day.
Okie, I trying to refrain from saying anything too terrible about people with no teeth, I get that you maybe you don't have money for dental care, etc, etc, but. Do not expect me to read your damn mind. Do not bitch at me. Do not treat me like your personal servant. I am not there for that. I'm not even there for you. I don't want to be your friend, I'm only there to make money. It is my job.
The end.
Hmmmm.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
got this from the insane waiter....
1. What is your favorite word?
Cacophony. or Plethora. that's two. take that.
2. What is your least favorite word?
something that starts with a g...I can't think of it, tho. the end.
3. What turns you on?
Andy. ;)
4. What turns you off?
people with no teeth. ewww.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck. it's boring, I know. but I just love that word.
6. What sound or noise do you love?
waterfalls
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
loud laughter
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Actress
9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
Astronaut. I'm afraid I would get lost in space. and then an alien would get inside me.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"I'm glad you're home."
Cacophony. or Plethora. that's two. take that.
2. What is your least favorite word?
something that starts with a g...I can't think of it, tho. the end.
3. What turns you on?
Andy. ;)
4. What turns you off?
people with no teeth. ewww.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck. it's boring, I know. but I just love that word.
6. What sound or noise do you love?
waterfalls
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
loud laughter
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Actress
9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
Astronaut. I'm afraid I would get lost in space. and then an alien would get inside me.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"I'm glad you're home."
Monday, April 6, 2009
softball. and random shit.
so today, I am sunburnt.
the other day I went and watched sam play 5...6?...games of softball in a tournament. it was crazy. I sat out in the sun all day. by myself. and then with stephen.
they won two games. weee.
today. we watched them again. they won both games. severely kicked some ass. it was nice. stephen and phil and I talked about sex. then...we ate a 41oz bag of skittles. and mikeandikes. delicious.
I haven't had to work in 4 days...it's been pretty nice. but I go back to work tomorrow. work is good. tiring, but good. it's really difficult sometimes being nice to people. but that's what I do.
I've started watching the L word. I don't know if I like it yet or not. I do, but then I don't sometimes. then I do again. then I can't stop watching it. then I turn into freaky psycho L word freak. woah. that's getting weird. no, I don't know. it interests me. ;)
hmmmm. what else has been going on. that's all I can think of for now. I need to sew some more patches on my couch...there are rips and holes appearing everywhere. hmmm. yes.
alright, I'm off to watch a movie called 'elegy' with ben kingsley. then possibly some unconsciousness for a few hours.
good night to all.
the other day I went and watched sam play 5...6?...games of softball in a tournament. it was crazy. I sat out in the sun all day. by myself. and then with stephen.
they won two games. weee.
today. we watched them again. they won both games. severely kicked some ass. it was nice. stephen and phil and I talked about sex. then...we ate a 41oz bag of skittles. and mikeandikes. delicious.
I haven't had to work in 4 days...it's been pretty nice. but I go back to work tomorrow. work is good. tiring, but good. it's really difficult sometimes being nice to people. but that's what I do.
I've started watching the L word. I don't know if I like it yet or not. I do, but then I don't sometimes. then I do again. then I can't stop watching it. then I turn into freaky psycho L word freak. woah. that's getting weird. no, I don't know. it interests me. ;)
hmmmm. what else has been going on. that's all I can think of for now. I need to sew some more patches on my couch...there are rips and holes appearing everywhere. hmmm. yes.
alright, I'm off to watch a movie called 'elegy' with ben kingsley. then possibly some unconsciousness for a few hours.
good night to all.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
in my head...
Damien Rice. Lonely Soldier.
Lonely Soldier go home,
Lonely, but never alone..
Good eyes, see nothing to shoot
Good feet, feel good, givin' up good boots
Ask your father how'd you fall
Ask your father how'd you fall
Like a leaf, sitting on the ground
Good for nothing, except kicking around..
She died with her hand stretched out
She died with a hungry mouth
She died with her mind full of doubt
and thought of weakening..
And so may your river never dry
May your mouth never lie
May you be satisfied to never know why
Sometimes, someone just wants to die...
Where did you get those cuts on your hand?
I thought I told you bout playin in the sand
There's always someone careless with glass
There's always questions no one won't ask
She died with her hand stretched out
She died with a hungry mouth
She died with her mind full of doubt
and thought of weakening..
May your river never dry
May your mouth never lie
May you be satisfied to never know why
Sometimes, someone just wants to die...
So Lonely Soldier go home,
Lonely, but never alone..
Good eyes, see nothing to shoot
Good feet, feel good, givin' up good boots
Lonely Soldier go home,
Lonely, but never alone..
Good eyes, see nothing to shoot
Good feet, feel good, givin' up good boots
Ask your father how'd you fall
Ask your father how'd you fall
Like a leaf, sitting on the ground
Good for nothing, except kicking around..
She died with her hand stretched out
She died with a hungry mouth
She died with her mind full of doubt
and thought of weakening..
And so may your river never dry
May your mouth never lie
May you be satisfied to never know why
Sometimes, someone just wants to die...
Where did you get those cuts on your hand?
I thought I told you bout playin in the sand
There's always someone careless with glass
There's always questions no one won't ask
She died with her hand stretched out
She died with a hungry mouth
She died with her mind full of doubt
and thought of weakening..
May your river never dry
May your mouth never lie
May you be satisfied to never know why
Sometimes, someone just wants to die...
So Lonely Soldier go home,
Lonely, but never alone..
Good eyes, see nothing to shoot
Good feet, feel good, givin' up good boots
today...so far...
so today. I woke up at 6am. and stayed awake. this never happens. I usually work every night until 11.30, so I'm always sleeping late in the morning.
I don't remember what woke me up, maybe a dream. I think it was about vampires.
then I talked to Sam for a bit before he went to work. then I watched an episode of Life.
I meant to go outside, but I thought it would be too cold. so I didn't.
so I did random shit on my computer for a few hours...then I got bored. and decided to go back to bed.
so I fell asleep again. one time, Andy put his hands on my back, and I think I was dreaming again, because I thought they were Stephen's. hmmm. I don't know what this means.
and then I woke up at one. and took a shower. and now I am on my computer again. I have to work soon. so I think I might go be with Andy for a bit.
Damien Rice's "Lonely Soldier" has been stuck in my head today. listen to it.
I don't remember what woke me up, maybe a dream. I think it was about vampires.
then I talked to Sam for a bit before he went to work. then I watched an episode of Life.
I meant to go outside, but I thought it would be too cold. so I didn't.
so I did random shit on my computer for a few hours...then I got bored. and decided to go back to bed.
so I fell asleep again. one time, Andy put his hands on my back, and I think I was dreaming again, because I thought they were Stephen's. hmmm. I don't know what this means.
and then I woke up at one. and took a shower. and now I am on my computer again. I have to work soon. so I think I might go be with Andy for a bit.
Damien Rice's "Lonely Soldier" has been stuck in my head today. listen to it.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
2008...
2008
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
get married to the most amazing man in the world. move to a different city. work two jobs.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember the ones I made last year, and I did not make any for this year. I would only just forget them after a few weeks.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my SILs, Sarah and Andrea.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no.
5. What countries did you visit?
none. :( most my traveling so far has happened in 2007.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more time with my Andy. more time with my awesome friends and family.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Andy proposing March 29th to me in Austin. getting married on July 12th. my nieces birth on July 7th and 9th. Steph and Lee's wedding September 27th. skydiving on July 14th. everything happened in July. ;) my 19th birthday December 27th. oh January 11th - I shaved my head.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
learning to live in Lufkin? lol. being married.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I'm not sure I had one?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
strep throat...nothing serious, though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
moped, helmet, leather jacket. our wedding. Andy bought me an icecream machine. :D
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
hmmm. everyone's?
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
hmmmm. don't know either. probably my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
our wedding. a new apartment.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
getting married. AND. skydiving. those were definitely like...EXCITEMENT HIGH. :D
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Joe Dassin's "Aux Champs Elysees"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
happier. I have the most amazing husband in the world. and the most amazing group of friends ever. I love you guys so much.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
spent more time with all my siblings. traveled more. read more.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching TV/movies.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with people I love.
21. How will you be spending New Years?
I spend New Years for the first time with my Andy.
we also had a big bonfire and I had an amazing time with Sam before he left to go back to Canada.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter. Pushing Daisies.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no.
26. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter. the Hobbit.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
maybe Iron and Wine.
28. What did you want and got?
my deary.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
ah. so many. Paris Je Taime. Wall-E. Twilight. the Dark Knight. Hancock. Sweeney Todd. Pineapple Express(omgamazingmovie!). In Bruges.
notable mention goes to Get Smart, Tropic Thunder, and StepBrothers for making me laugh.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
19! had a partay, got a bit tipsy, played our amazing dare/dare game, :P made some friendships better....
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
letting go.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
hippie!
34. What kept you sane?
my Andy. being with friends and family. talking with Ben.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ellen Page. Rachel McAdams. always Johnny Depp.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I really had no opinion on most things that I can think of now.
37. Who did you miss?
Andy and the Harbucks at the beginning of the year. my family and friends in SA from July on. *sad smile*
38. Who was the best new person you met? Rachel, Stephen, Maggie, Judah, Kristy, Amanda, Merida. and getting closer to Sam, Phil, Sarah and Ben.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
let go.
forgive.
listen.
motorcycles are a must.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
get married to the most amazing man in the world. move to a different city. work two jobs.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember the ones I made last year, and I did not make any for this year. I would only just forget them after a few weeks.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my SILs, Sarah and Andrea.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no.
5. What countries did you visit?
none. :( most my traveling so far has happened in 2007.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more time with my Andy. more time with my awesome friends and family.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Andy proposing March 29th to me in Austin. getting married on July 12th. my nieces birth on July 7th and 9th. Steph and Lee's wedding September 27th. skydiving on July 14th. everything happened in July. ;) my 19th birthday December 27th. oh January 11th - I shaved my head.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
learning to live in Lufkin? lol. being married.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I'm not sure I had one?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
strep throat...nothing serious, though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
moped, helmet, leather jacket. our wedding. Andy bought me an icecream machine. :D
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
hmmm. everyone's?
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
hmmmm. don't know either. probably my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
our wedding. a new apartment.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
getting married. AND. skydiving. those were definitely like...EXCITEMENT HIGH. :D
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Joe Dassin's "Aux Champs Elysees"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
happier. I have the most amazing husband in the world. and the most amazing group of friends ever. I love you guys so much.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
spent more time with all my siblings. traveled more. read more.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching TV/movies.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with people I love.
21. How will you be spending New Years?
I spend New Years for the first time with my Andy.
we also had a big bonfire and I had an amazing time with Sam before he left to go back to Canada.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter. Pushing Daisies.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no.
26. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter. the Hobbit.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
maybe Iron and Wine.
28. What did you want and got?
my deary.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
ah. so many. Paris Je Taime. Wall-E. Twilight. the Dark Knight. Hancock. Sweeney Todd. Pineapple Express(omgamazingmovie!). In Bruges.
notable mention goes to Get Smart, Tropic Thunder, and StepBrothers for making me laugh.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
19! had a partay, got a bit tipsy, played our amazing dare/dare game, :P made some friendships better....
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
letting go.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
hippie!
34. What kept you sane?
my Andy. being with friends and family. talking with Ben.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ellen Page. Rachel McAdams. always Johnny Depp.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I really had no opinion on most things that I can think of now.
37. Who did you miss?
Andy and the Harbucks at the beginning of the year. my family and friends in SA from July on. *sad smile*
38. Who was the best new person you met? Rachel, Stephen, Maggie, Judah, Kristy, Amanda, Merida. and getting closer to Sam, Phil, Sarah and Ben.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
let go.
forgive.
listen.
motorcycles are a must.
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