magentacrayons

Piper Marion Harbuck

2012-01-19T09:22:00.000-08:00

Our precious daughter has finally arrived. She was born Sunday, January 8, 2012, at 10.33am. She weighed 8.6 pounds and was 19 1/4 inches long. She was born with a full head of dark brown hair and dark blue eyes.

She is now 12 days old and the light of my life. :)

hey you guuuuys....:)

2011-08-31T09:03:00.000-07:00

We just got back from vacation to Florida. it was so lovely. I'll try to write a post or two about it in the next couple of days.
Yesterday was the first day back at work, it actually went okie. it was very very long and my legs were a tiny bit swollen by the end of it, but it was a pretty good day. :)

I'm now...21 weeks and 4 days. I'm stressing alot about work clothes. I went and bought some maternity shirts the other day that were cute, kinda big though so I'm hoping to grow into them. I even tried on some maternity pants and I couldn't buy them. I just couldn't do it. they were pretty awful to say the least. I know I'll need them at some point, but I think I'm going to stick with my one pair of black work pants that I can still squeeze into at this point. :)

A lot of new activities going on recently...staying very busy, but other than that, nothing to report. :)

I've been thinking about you lately. I wish I could share this part of my life with you. I'm so sorry.

oh, worst part of the morning so far? I woke up to eat some strawberries and they were ALL rotten. dammit, walmart, you ruined my morning. :/

surprise...

2011-08-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

I felt the baby move on Sunday the 14th for the first time. most amazing thing yet. :)

we are currently attempting to get the house ready for her. Andy has done an incredibly fantastic job arranging the house and getting everything we need. we have a crib, storage in the form of small dressers, curtains...now we just need everything for her...which may cost a fortune. we've spent a bunch already.
I think pink may finally have to enter my life. my entire adult life since I can remember, I have almost loathed the color. I never wear it and don't have anything pink in my house. I'd dress her in blue and green and everyone would say, "oh what a beautiful baby boy you have." well I suppose I wouldn't like to be called a boy right in front of my face either. ;) so pink it is. :)

I am 19 weeks and 5 days today. almost halfway there. I love her so much already.

he's very proud...

2011-07-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

I have a Sunday evening off. one of the first two EVER since I got promoted in January. it seems miraculous.

I'm sitting at home with my laptop, watching the last daylight of the day disappear behind the trees. I'm watching Star Trek with my man and eating some popcorn.
Star Trek. I've always been more of a Star Wars fan. I don't think I'll ever *like Star Trek. but you know...

I'm going home next Sunday. I have exactly one week until I get to see my parents and brothers and sisters (will miss Steph and Jonathan) and meet my new nephew. I'm very excited. not only will I get a 4 day break from work, but I haven't seen my family in a while, and I miss them very much.

every time they say the name "Q", I think they are saying puke. :)

so you think you can?

2011-06-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a little while ago when it was heavy on my mind. I read it again today and decided to post it after all.

sometimes I wonder why it is that I can turn off an emotion so easily.
there's this chemical in my body that tells my brain I'm very into
this thing or this person, and I believe they can make me happy. then
something switches. and there's another chemical in my body that tells
me this thing or person is alright, but I really don't care to have
much to do with them.

sometimes I think I have a man's mindset in that I enjoy the challenge
and the race of any certain thing so much that, with few exceptions, when the challenge is
completed, there's nothing left. and I feel somewhat guilty for it,
but it's what I feel. I can't help it. and mostly, I don't want to. I
don't want to change myself from feeling something because what I'm
feeling in that moment is *real. whatever it may be. because it is what it is.

I think it's part of growing up.
when I was a child, I made friends and I believed those friends would
last forever. none of them did. and when I lost one of my best
friends, no strings attached, I believe that's when I grew up. and I
don't know if I can make that connection again with someone. maybe I
can't, because I don't believe I can. and I feel strangely okie with that.

I've never been one to be the life of the party, the crazy one, the funny one,
but I have always found my way. the strange way, they call me weird.
but I've noticed a change in myself lately. a little more strange than usual.
the wanting nothing to do with anyone when they've lost their luster. I'm not
quite sure if I should let it be...or try to change it.

it poured all night last night. it's very rainy and dreary today. all I want to do is lay in bed and watch shows. I just wish my deary was here.

pain, vicodin, sleep, repeat...

2011-01-09T21:48:00.000-08:00

she lost the baby.
now what?
how do you move on?

time.
but time does not make it better. time makes it worse. you forget. and you hate yourself for it.

I'd catch a grenade for ya...

2010-12-10T15:45:00.000-08:00

I feel hope.
I can feel it within my grasp...so close, it's like a thin film separating me from life.
it's the thin film that has been reinforced every day by my own blindness...until now.
something changed. I'm not sure what.

maybe it's because one of my close friends is pregnant. and I feel the need to be strong for her.
maybe it's because my phone just lit up two seconds ago saying I have a text from a dear old friend, Alma.
maybe it's because I just got a promotion.

but I can feel it...it's so close. I just have to reach out and break that film...

So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways, all my underdogs
We will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and
Raise your glass!
Just come on and come on and
Raise your glass!

so...?

2010-10-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today, I have felt despair.

Time flies too quickly. It simply...disappears. Sometimes I don't quite know how to be okie with it.
People die, people leave, people try to kill you...you try to kill yourself. You try to escape in any way possible...it's like the song, "you bleed just to know you're alive." Sometimes it just feels to difficult to continue living.

now...

2010-09-01T11:10:00.000-07:00

Cleo died.

Atm, we have Dmitri and Nelson Mandela.

12.31 in the AM

2010-07-30T22:23:00.000-07:00

today, I remembered the good times...

why don't I feel better?

you can stand under my umbrella...

2010-07-18T21:25:00.001-07:00

Phil and Delaney...finally married. ;)

yay for new sisters. ;) love you girls.

you've torn off every hand that's tried to feed you...

2010-07-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

today, I have felt a wicked amount of emotions.

I have felt sad. definitely scared. just a tiny bit jealous. happy. lucky. pain.
...lonely.
confused.

today, I feel the weight of air.

if you would only look at me someday...without your eyes turning away.

"without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's..."

2010-06-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

the newest addition. can't wait to show you, Mattie. ;)

blue...

2010-06-29T08:34:00.001-07:00

I'm going to get my tattoo today, Mattie. I'm unusually nervous.
I wish I could talk to you about it...I miss you.

for me...

2010-06-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

this song speaks to me. i'm not afraid.

OH MAN...

2010-06-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

I love this beast. it's finally mine. :D

and your name, sir?

2010-06-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

today, I feel sick.

I worked from 10am to 11pm. it went pretty well, but there are always those ridiculous people you wait on that make your job hell. some are simply outright rude, some yell at you, some ignore you, some steal from you. but some are nice, very few make you smile. I miss you, Tommy and Michael. you always make my day a million times better. thanks for being amazing.

I bought everything I needed for my aquarium. everything is setup, I just need to buy my fish now. ;) I'm pretty excited. everyone makes fun of me for wanting one...I think they're just jealous. it's going to be the happiest fish ever.

I'm hoping to have enough money by next week to finally get my tattoo I've been meaning to get since January. in January, I had enough money saved up, but my artist was setting up his new shop. then the money had to go to bills, and when he finally got his shop set up...I had no money. so I'm saving again. hopefully soon. ;)

speaking of, I bought a bike. a '95, 750 yamaha virago. oh man. I love it. my first ever vehicle and the best, as well. I've never learned to drive a standard car, so this is my first time learning gears/shifting manually. it's been pretty interesting, but I think I'm finally getting the hang of it. it's so exciting, I absolutely love it.

life has been throwing punches lately. I wish it were kinder. but it's all in my head. and also, all my fault. so I have to take them. and live with them.
but Andy is my life saver. and he'll never leave or forsake me. and for him, I live.

alright.

don't want a paper gangsta

2010-06-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

I've been very confused lately.
I don't understand why I'm here lately.
I'm a bit lost.

I don't want to be scared anymore.

2010-05-18T00:13:00.000-07:00

the times, they are a'changin...

I'm trying to be a new person. Andy says that we are reborn every second. and that we are constantly changing. I'm trying to become more aware of who I am. and the fact that I have changed. I try to block the pain out, I always have. I try to run away.....I always have.
to some extent, I still block things out. and I still run away. but I'm going to try to be aware of it now. and to own my decisions. and to stop blaming other people for shit I've messed up. that one is a big one, and it gives me too many excuses. so I'm working on it.
also, I want to consciously make the decision to change. but it's going to be difficult. I can't begin to imagine...where I would be without my husband. I'm not going to take him for granted anymore. Andy is my entire life. I am seriously indebted to the Being who gave me my life with him.

I had a good time tonight, hanging out with other people. for the first time in a really long time. I just kinda let go...and said to hell with it. I'm tired of pretending. so for tonight, I'm going to laugh if I want to. and I did. and certain conversations still saddened me. but when it happened, I realized it. and I sat in the sadness for a few seconds. and then I let it pass by.

I don't have much else to say tonight. except that...I'm sorry.

I'm incredibly grateful to this man asleep in my bed tonight. I love him.

may twelfth...

2010-05-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

happy birthday today to the lovely and amazing Flix.

happy birthday to my brother in law, Benjamin.

and happy birthday to my dad tomorrow...;)

I hope today has been a day to remember. ;)

you make me happy, my love...

2010-05-02T17:50:00.000-07:00

today, I miss you.

I want to let you know that I love you.
I will always love you.
for as long as God gives me breath.

the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything.
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end.

everyone I know
goes away in the end.

I can't believe it's been 7 months...

2010-04-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

today, I laughed.

sometimes, I think we forget how to. or I do. I'm kinda relearning the little things. and I have the lovely Lydia to thank for that. she probably doesn't know that she has helped me through all this shit in the weirdest way. she can always make me laugh, no matter what, and she always puts up with me. I'm going to miss her so much.

worked a double today...the first of 3 or 4 in a row. should rack up some hours, get some money in the bank for upcoming bills. :S oh well.

not much has been going on. alot of work.

looking forward to July...Phil and D's wedding...seeing Kristy. I miss that lady.

I'm also kinda looking forward to this year....it's weird. I haven't looked forward to anything in a while. but I'm excited about things this year. first one that stands out is April having her baby. I'm pretty damn excited about that. I haven't been close friends with anyone that has had a baby recently, and I don't remember that feeling of holding a baby...so I'm excited about that.

also, I'm turning 21 this year. and in early January of 2011, I want everyone to come to Austin with me to celebrate. and by everyone, I literally mean everyone I know. come get wasted with me. :D

I think that's all I have for now. it's odd being off before 9pm. feels much later. I have to go find something to do....or go to sleep...

just sit back...and watch it fall to pieces...

2010-04-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

that part of her heart wanted to die.
it's wanted to shut the pain out for so long.
it's wanted to shut everything out.
she wanted to shut you out. and up. and away.
but she still...clings. to that last bit. that you will always have a claim on.
she hates it.
fucking hates it.
she finally hopes it'll go away.
she finally hopes you will go away.
don't come back.
don't hurt me anymore.

all she wants to do now is finish this
tip the glass to the floor
watch it shatter.
so she will strive and strive reaching for the sky
as she cuts and bleeds
waiting for the day she strives to be
this broken glass thrown into heaven.

I shall name you nixie and you will be my nixie....

2010-04-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

today, I went to work. it was boring, but good to be there.

I'm watching the movie, Brothers. it's really quite fascinating. really fantastic acting. I find it so interesting that kids seek so much attention from their parents. they'll do anything to get it. I guess it's normal. but it's scary at the same time. so much about kids scare me. they're such smart crazy little fuckers. maybe I'll have some of my own someday, and I won't be scared of them anymore.

bike night at strbux tonight. cigarettes and coffee and my Andy for just a bit. delicious.

I got to call Pat tonight and talk to him about my tattoo. see when he'll be in next. I've been waiting for ages for this one. I'm pretty psyched about it. I'm so glad Mattie is up for designing all mine for me. he's the best. ;) I'll post some pics when I get it done...maybe next week, unsure yet, tho.

I think that's it for now. happy 4.20 to all. ;)

I really need to finish our Amsterdam trip blog.....

2010-04-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

today, I felt surprised by something someone told me.

I woke up feeling so tired and quite hungover this morning. but I had to get up and go to work.
work was...meh, normal. slow. weird churchy people. :S
I came home and fell asleep, then went and played some volleyball with Sam and everyone from work. my team only won once. I think it was because Lydia abandoned us. oh well.

I kinda don't know what to do with myself tonight. so I guess I'm listening to Lily Allen and writing a blog.
I'm tired. I'm glad I finally have a day off tomorrow. Andy and I are planning on going to the bank tomorrow and going to see Tommy. I'm pretty excited. I've really missed seeing him at work lately. he hasn't been coming in as regularly as he usually does. He invited us to go to the lake with him and his family, and I got really excited. I'm looking forward to going sailing this summer. alot. there's always alot of drama involved, and usually weird memories, but there's nothing like getting out in the middle of the lake with the wind and the water. pretty amazing.

if you get bored, visit iheartstrangers.com. he's amazing.

the littlest things...

2010-04-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

I don't why I trusted you but I knew that I could.
when I was feeling down, you made that face you do
there's no one in the world that could replace you.

each broken heart will eventually mend...

2010-04-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
someday you will be loved.

You'll be loved you'll be loved
like you never have known
the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams
just a series of blurs
like I never occurred
someday you will be loved.

I'm only going to break your heart...

2010-04-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

Been there done that messed around
I'm having fun don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet.
I won't let you in again
The messages I've tried to send
My information's just not going in.

Burning bridges shore to shore
I'll break away from something more
I'm not to not to love until it's cheap.

Do do do your dirty words
Come out to play when you are heard
There's certain things that should be left unsaid.
Tick tick tick tick on the watch
And life's too short for me to stop
Oh baby, your time is running out.

I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
All you do is fill me up with doubt.

This time baby I'll be bulletproof.

people come to see you where you don't wake up...

2010-03-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

I come see you in the summer time
don't know if you know I'm there
bring you lots of flowers in the summer time
picture flowers in your hair...

I lay them down
cover the ground
with the colors I remember that you loved
that summer...

hey...

2010-03-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

When the sky is falling from above you
And the wind is raging from the coast
And you want someone who truly loves you
I will be the one who loves you the most.

See, when you forgive your imperfections
And you've auctioned all your clothes
And you look to see your true reflection
You will be the one who loves you the most
You will be the one who loves you the most.

just want to let you know this morning that I love you.

dearest love...I see you...

2010-03-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

and I'm running out of patience
to be fucking with this now
you better believe me when I say this now
and I'm packing up my night bag
and I'll be on my way
you better find me sometime
when you have more to say.
and I'm running out of patience
to be fucking with you now
you better believe me when I say this now
and I'm packing up my night bag
and I'll be on my way
you better find me sometime
when you have more to say.

I found this AMAZING blog through Waiter Rant. I have been reading it nonstop ever since I found it. she's fantastic. she speaks to me alot. in a way, she's taught me alot about myself, which is odd. and I kinda don't understand it. but I can't get enough of HER. anyway, check it out. she's a lovely lady.

my head hurts tonight.
but I'm listening to Micah P Hinson. and he makes everything better.

I'm running out of patience
and I'll be on my way.

oh.m.g. numero dos

2010-03-07T22:50:00.001-08:00

want to find out what's quite possibly better than the last post? hahaha.

badass

2010-03-07T22:45:00.000-08:00

oh.m.g.

edit.

2010-02-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

I'm grasping for the proper words.
I can't find them.

not for this.
not for this.

you know my heart.
you have a part of it forever.

I looked for you for so long...
everywhere...in reality...
but I finally found you in my dreams.
I finally...found you.
and as I knelt beside your tombstone, I recognized that...
I'd lost you.
again.
and this time, I know...I can't bring you back.

and despair fills me.
because I know I won't.

spare me, help me, remember me, avenge me...

2010-02-17T11:35:00.000-08:00

Say how's the weather, so I look out the window
To brighten my soul, but I can't control the rain
That keeps falling
Smile on the outside that never comes in
A comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream "let the show begin"

You break me open, turn on the light
Stumble inside with me, with me

Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie?
Are you mesmerized?
Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, I put on this hat
I wore all this paint just for you.

you know me. always stolen words.

2010-01-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

to you, lovely. always.

and to you. I really wish I had known you.

there is a world where emotion is prohibited. sometimes I wish for that world.

2010-01-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

is it normal how we as humans are drawn to each other? I suppose, for we are.
it's interesting noticing *who we are drawn to, and how we so often ignore and forget those who we aren't drawn to. how we so often don't give people chances. we judge. and we never care to find out if we could have had a lifetime knowing that person.
it's interesting noticing those words. drawn to. like some invisible string connects our hearts.
and how sometimes that invisible string somehow contracts into itself, allowing life to bring us closer.
it's interesting noticing how often we rip those strings from our hearts, and separate ourselves from those we love. for whatever reason. any reason we see fit. any reason which forces us.

that feeling of..."I want to spend the rest of my life with this person."
that feeling when they say yes. or when they say no. when they say that they don't want you to ask. please, please don't ask, my love. they say this. and you feel something. what does it mean?

this is all just a jumble of thoughts in my head, oddly enough brought on by a scene in an episode of Heroes. none of it makes sense. but I've made this blog an outlet. so I use it.

it seems as though all humans should be connected. we're all the same. all of us in this world together. why don't we band together, why don't we help each other? why does it have to be everyone for themselves? I ask this, I want this, yet...I can't do it. I am angry with someone.
I know it's all in my head. I know I could be perfectly content with that person in my world. but for some reason, I refuse to. I think if I...allow myself to be okie with it, nothing will make sense. I'll be letting go. and at this moment, I can't do that. I'll sob and beg and laugh and pretend, but I won't let go. some things you can't...until time rusts away the memory. then only ashes remain.

there's no way I can put to words all these thoughts in my head tonight. some will be lost, some will appear on another page at another time.
at the end of the day, all I know is...I am. I am being breathed. I am a presence in this space at this time. and I continue.
my body aches, and my heart aches, but I know these invisible strings from my heart, the strong ones, the ones that waver, the ones that are nearly completely shattered, they are attached to some other amazing hearts. and without you, I wouldn't be. I love you.

it rained all night long. we'd thought it'd never stop. here in my little room we counted every drop...

2010-01-18T18:42:00.000-08:00

I watched you sleeping
quietly in my bed
you don't know this now
but there's some things that need to be said
it's all that I can give
it's more than I can bear
but if I fall and hurt myself
would you know how to fix me
if I forgot who I am
would you please remind me
because without you things go hazy.

"my favorite body part is my heart because it is the only thing I have to give to stormy llewellyn.
furthermore, the beat of it, when I wake each morning, is my first best evidence that I have not, during the night, joined the community of the stubbornly lingering dead."

The Light shine on you.
And the Creator shelter you.
The last embrace of the mother welcome you home.

bad pictures, but pictures nonetheless...

2010-01-12T14:08:00.000-08:00

so. I have finally cleaned the house...sorta. and found a camera that halfway works...still quite a bit blurry, though. so here they are, for all you millions of people out there who wanted to see our house.

bedroom.

livingroom. plan to reupholster that couch at some point.

our porch is a complete mess. ;)

top windows and temporary curtains.

other couch. it all faces the tv, don't think I got a picture of it. plan is to buy a flatscreen to put up on the wall on the corner of the house that couch faces. lots of plans. ;)

wee.

amazing dishwasher.

part of the kitchen.

sweet knife rack.

bathroom.

shower. our newest addition/accomplishment.

here it is:

sexy, no?

we're pretty much working on bills right now. eventually we'll get bookshelves, blinds, finish the ceiling, etc. but this is it right now. ;)

read from the lovely lady's book...

2010-01-03T14:45:00.000-08:00

Arizona curled up with California. then she tried to hide the whole thing from New Mexico, who knew before he saw them making out in Yuma that she had been loving someone else new.
New Mexico has always hated California, though he knew that Arizona wore the pants. he got loaded and started throwing punches. The poor Injun never had a chance.

"A long December and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last."

I must ask, is there reason?
and will there ever be a better or worse year than the last?

I suppose that is why there is a maybe, my love.

and I really really hoped I wouldn't die. and I really really hoped I wouldn't die...

2009-12-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

she was lying on a table.
there was a strange man standing above her.
he explained to her what she was and how she came to be. he told her that he was the same being she was. that his group was all the same as she.
he explained that she had no choice. he was going to change her. like he had been changed. like he changed his group. she had no choice. he said it was for the best.

it was a blur from then.
she remembered being taught the way. the right way to live in her condition.
she remembered being punished for attacking a human in a moment of weakness. they forced her to attack one of their own.
one of their own that had no concern for the human life. one of their own that was not one of their own. there was no hope for these.
it devastated her. she learned.

training.

they took her to a massive weapons building.
they chose for her flame and a blade.
then they taught her how to use them.

training.

she didn't recall her emotions from this time.
she was willing to change.
her mind was set on that thought only.

they took her to a large building where she was to protect someone.
they partnered her with another of her kind.
the slight feeling of freedom caused her to become foolish.
and she drank.

he sent an attack.
she was caught off guard.
she was not in her right mind.
she couldn't penetrate them with her flame.
they were nearly completely resilient to her blade.
she couldn't see.
she couldn't think.
her mind was too altered to save herself, let alone her guard.

he had nearly finished her off when her partner finally crashed into the room.
together, they fought them off.
together, they killed them.

the sky was dark.
the rain was falling heavily.
she looked up, smiling at the feeling of the sky on her face.
she shot off from the ground, rising higher and higher.

was it possible she could finally be at peace?

this is what you see when you close your eyes?

2009-12-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

it was an odd beginning.
there was nothing.
empty space. darkness.

then it began to rain.
heavy rain. thick rain.
the sky remained dark.
there was simply...rain.

then her mind was created. and she came into consciousness.
without really understanding how or why, she shot off from the ground.
she was angry. so angry she was shaking. so angry she could do anything she believed would save her. hence, she was in the air. in the rain. all her mind could feel was hate and bitterness.

the rain pelting against her face was her only consolation.
she was rising quickly, addicted to the feeling, as if it was the only thing in the universe keeping her alive. and whether she realized it or not, it was true.

then she began to wonder. why? how did it come to this?
she couldn't remember. but she knew she knew she was...different.
it was...something else.

then she was back on the ground.
and then she knew. the moment the rain stopped, everything changed.

the moment she saw the child, the rain stopped.
and she no longer had control over her mind or body.
within minutes, she had pounced, grabbing the child tightly in her arms. she squeezed her neck until she was no longer conscious, but kept her breathing. she didn't know how or why, but she knew this was the way.
she felt no need to see if anyone was watching her. there was no one else. this was the way.
she also knew the next few moments were going to be the most satisfying she had ever felt.

the child was limp in her arms. she subconsciously felt two teeth slide out between her lips. she was thirsty. so thirsty...
she leaned down next to the child's face, smelling her. her scent was intoxicating.
she took a moment, trying to decide whether she wanted it open or closed. it didn't really matter, but she felt as if it was important. she decided it would have to be open. and so it was. forcefully.
she sank her teeth into the left entire eyelid and eyeball. it tore roughly between her lips. then she paused. she could hardly breathe, it felt so amazing. so delicious. so...satisfying. she ate almost in a hurry, not even worrying about savoring it. the blood was...filling her with...life.

she slipped into a frenzied feeding. a blissful feeding.

she woke up in chains in a strange building. she had no recollection of her life for the first 23 seconds.

.

2009-12-20T07:56:00.000-08:00

drown me.
burn me.
leave me.

I'll never escape these nightmares.

just our hands clasped so tight...

2009-12-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

He walks over and sits down on a bench. He stares off, lost in thought. And then, from out of nowhere, there's her voice.

S: Hey.

She sits like an apparition on a neighboring bench. She may have just sat down, she may have been there for hours. He isn't sure if she's real. He doesn't quite know what to do.

S: Where you coming from?

T: What? Oh. Nowhere. How long have you been sitting there?

S: Awhile.

He finds it hard to look at her.

S: I come here alot. I always loved this place, ever since you brought me here.

The mention of their past makes the atmosphere odd. She walks over to sit next to him.

T: So...I should probably say congratulations.

S: Only if you mean it.

T: Ah, well...in that case...

S: I understand.

She laughs a little.

S: So are you okie?

T: I will be...eventually.

S: I like your suit.

T: Thanks.

S: You look sharp.

T: So do you.

S: Thanks.

T: I quit the office.

S: Really? That's great!

T: So...you're married.

S: Pretty crazy, huh?

T: You should have told me...

S: I know.

T: ...when we were dancing...

S: He hadn't asked me yet.

T: But he was in your life.

T: So why'd you dance with me?

S: Because I wanted to.

T: You just do what you want, don't you...

She looks down, smiling a little.

T: You never wanted to be anyone's girlfriend, and now you're somebody's wife.

S: Surprised me too.

T: I don't think I'll ever understand that. It doesn't make sense.

S: It just happened.

T: That's what I don't understand. What happened?

S: I woke up and I knew.

T: Knew what?

S: What I was never sure of with you.

He looks away.

T: You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believe in is complete bullshit.

S: What is?

T: Destiny, soulmates, true love. All that stuff. It's nothing more than silly childhood fairy tale nonsense, isn't it? It sucks...

S: Tom, don't go.

T: I should have listened to you, Summer. You were right all along.

S: I was right?

She begins to laugh.

T: What are you laughing at?

She can't stop laughing.
He tries not to laugh himself.

S: One day I'm reading a book at the corner deli and this guy sits down and starts asking about it. Now he's my husband.
What would have happened if I went to the movies instead? If I went somewhere else for lunch? If I showed up to eat ten minutes later? Tom, it was meant to be, just like you said. And as it was happening, I knew it. I could feel it, sure as the sun. And I kept thinking to myself, Tom was right. You were right about all of it.
...It just wasn't me you were right about.

She takes his hand.

S: I should go. But I'm really happy to see that you are doing well.

She touches his face lightly.

T: I really do hope you are happy.

S: I know.
...See you later.

She smiles and walks away.

you said head shut it off. never again. never again.

2009-12-10T21:14:00.000-08:00

the pain is incredible.
I have to make it go away.
or make it worse.
I'm forbidden to go away.
and I'm forbidden to make it worse.

and yet, what is forbidden to us in this world?
nothing. and everything.

all.

what was his saying? nothing is truth, everything is permitted?

I'm the hero of the story I don't need to be saved.

Loop me in, odd one.

once, we waltzed together...

2009-12-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

to you. always.

2009-11-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

my love for you is not fully expressed...it can't be.

I love you beyond your face, beyond your smile, beyond your body.
I love everything about you.
I love your heart.

this love I feel inside is like no other I have ever felt before.
this one is so special.
each time I look at you, I see a handsome face with an amazing heart.
the longer I look at you, the more I know I am loved.

each gentle kiss drives me crazy, each hug makes me want to cry.
because I know what we have is so precious,
and I am so blessed to have you to hold.

I love you more than words.
more than there are stars in the sky.
but as long as the stars shine, and as long as I am breathed by this air,
I will love you.

oh the words I pull from terra....

2009-11-15T20:41:00.000-08:00

you picked a bad time to fall in love
I know you told me there's never a good time
never the right time to fall in love
the world stops turning just for a moment
those are the moments you should run from
sweet things that slow you down
feelings that leave you numb
those are the feelings that make the room spin
and leave your life a mess and do your head in

and love's an open wound
cuts like a shard of glass
and I was only looking for a good time
and I can play it cool, come as a hard attack
I was only looking for a good time.

I brought you home with me on a tuesday
sat in the lobby drinking jose
and in the morning when you left my bed
I didn't even know if I would see you again
it rained all night long
we'd thought it'd never stop
here in my little room we counted every drop
ten thousand miles away from what I call a home
you swore you'd never leave
and now I'm here alone.

I can't hear you through the noise....

2009-11-06T21:59:00.000-08:00

you're the closest thing I know to love
so let me in
the moon is glowing white
and time's a-wasting
and don't you want to know
what happens when
we start at the start
before it becomes that thing
that broke my heart in two
we've been here before
that place where we dwell until
we find we both want something more...

so let's pretend that for a moment
we have never loved before
touch my skin
and I will kiss your lips and
we can both ignore
that feeling of wait,
what happens in time
I know this is cool for now
but I just might change my mind
and leave
you there in the dust
I know that you loved me a lot
but it was never quite discussed...

I'll take everything in this life...

2009-11-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

I am lost in my head again
these thoughts coming to haunt me
I am caught in the memory
of things I left behind
somewhere I never knew I left them
they are lost to me.

I am stuck in this body
until something can free me
and then what where do I go from here
lost again into the air
into the sky into another body.

and I'm scared
and nobody knows me anymore
I'm lost
faceless in this crowd
again
I am alone
and I will always be alone
...maybe.

and this fear when nobody knows you anymore
and you're lost
only a memory
something quite like it goes
walking around
not feeling anything

can you hear me?

it's my dreams you steal your way into...

2009-11-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

And so I say I don't love you,
Though it kills me
It's a lie that sets you free.

I will wrap my body
In other women's arms.
Make love in a hurry,
Feel better than I am.
Hope you find yourself
In someone else's eyes.

And so I say I don't love you.

Am I strong enough?

I miss the peace I feel when I hear that song....

2009-11-01T13:41:00.000-08:00

today, kristy spring waters.
I miss you, lady.
we had some crazy good times.
I think we need to make some more, yeah?

if only it had been the past few months.
it would have been unbelievably amazing.
who knows what crazy shit would have happened.

fitting like a glove. no, better than.

me and you. as opposed to us.

2009-10-31T13:51:00.000-07:00

doubt that the stars are fire
doubt that the sun does move
doubt truth to be a liar
but never doubt I love.

shakespeare.

to the human who is.

2009-10-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

take the needle.

thread it carefully.

feel the beat of this heart held in your hands.

feel it losing its beat.

stitch.

and stitch.

fix me, my love.

fix me.

what's written in Braille upon my skin....

2009-10-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

leave me out with the waste.

when they told you to stop
did you want to keep going?
when they pushed you to tears
could you feel your pain showing?
did you know you were drifting
from the moment you drifted?
could you feel your heart shifting
before it had shifted?
and I ask you this
mostly for me
because people like us
can go quietly.

a problem.
can I only be this?
problems can be fixed.
can I only be this?

she said, "you're gonna suffer for my sins."

will the sun rise tomorrow morning?

will the blood stay in my body tonight?

does the good ever make the pain worth it?
I say yes.
I say no.
how?

I want to fight.
I want to give up.
I want to give up every single damn thing.
how?

I love you. I don't deserve you. you hold my heart in your hands. I am yours.

you made my world spin. you showed me life. you showed me how not to miss it. I loved every minute. I wish for what I wish.

I hate you. I never want to see you again. the memories of you break my heart. I don't care that you are who you are.

and you. I have never been seen such loyalty in my life. it amazes me every day.

you choose who you are.

and yet. I breathe.
and I walk.
and I smoke.
the choice now is life.
moving on.
waiting it out.
have I decided that?
or has it been decided for me?

she said, "you gave in. you left. maybe that was right for you at that moment. but babe, look at all the beautiful things you missed. life is fucked. but look at what you missed."

I am always here.
I am lost.
yet I am here.

forgive me.
forgive me if I choose to miss the beautiful things.

I'm going to lose you.

2009-10-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

All this talk of getting old
It's bringing me down, my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down

And I hope you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Because the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

And I know I'm on a losing streak
Because I passed down my old street
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Because the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Because baby, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, if you leave my life, I'm better off dead

I'm never going down, I'm never coming down

And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make me worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Because baby, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, if you leave my life, I'm better off dead.

the human heart

2009-10-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

The sound of cries in agony
Awakes my sleeping demon
The mood of grief excites me
The mood invert my grief to joy

The demon makes me laugh a demonic silent laughter
My tears are filled with joy cause I enjoy the death

Laughter of the funeral...

This ceremony is boring
Have no understanding
May my feelings are gone
And may my soul is cold

The hymns are raping the souls
Of the ones which I hate
I feel their anger against me
I feel their anger against me
But I laugh at their fault cause I'm stronger

Laughter of the funeral...

when you cry, I taste the salt in your tears...

2009-10-07T21:29:00.000-07:00

today, I fully understood, up to this point, the phrase, "I'm in a room full of people, yet completely alone."

can't see when I go to work, can't see when I get off
how do you expect someone not to get lost
every year I just keep getting deeper in debt
if there's a happy day I haven't seen one yet.
take 'em away take 'em away
take away these chains from me
my heart is broken because my spirit's not free
take away these chains from me.

getting high and mumbling german fables...

2009-10-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

I don't care.
I don't care anymore.

I feel lost.
if I lose you, I lose a part of myself.
what else matters?

do I want to see you?
yes.
do I want to see you?
no.
do I want to see anyone else?
hell no.

do I still enable you to let me feel this?
this insanity. why do I allow myself to give you this power?
why do you visit me now every night in my dreams?
why do I still cry to sleep every night?

when will it end?
will I find peace?
more importantly, will you find peace?

fuck.

don't leave.

hold my hand. those fingers wrapped in mine.

wait.

just wait.

only this moment matters.

when you forgive your imperfections
and you've auctioned all your clothes
and you look to see your true reflection
you will be the one who loves you the most.

she looks at me so fearlessly
and I take it all too seriously
but it all becomes so clear to me
and makes me understand
I believe she's mine.
she's mine.
all mine.

sit here cold...

2009-09-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

pain on pain on play repeating.

wait.........don't go just now....

2009-09-29T19:48:00.001-07:00

composed of an element so weak, so frail
every time she reaches for the sky, she fails
the escape from her shattered existence

the crack, the cut, the shattered tears that hit the pavement

in this crumbling existence, like a champagne glass held together at its last seams

with every try there's a little more bleeding

the crack, the cut, the shattered tears that hit the pavement

all she wants to do now is finish this
tip the glass to the floor
watch it shatter

so she will strive and strive reaching for the sky
as she cuts and bleeds
waiting for the day she strives to be
this broken glass thrown into heaven

show me what it's like. to dream in black and white. so I can leave this world behind tonight.

2009-09-27T18:40:00.000-07:00

you fight me. flat on my lonely face I fell.
in light of the life that I have found
it's coming down.

I don't know what isn't real
but it's easy
to beat me.
life is sink or swim.
love is blinding. no surviving.

I don't know what I want to be yet.
but I can show that I need this.
no time for lies and empty fights.

can we live a life of peace and happiness?
I don't think so.

no denying I am scared to lose the things I love.

this is how it's going to end.
this is how it's going to end.

everyone is waiting here for everyone.
leave me alone.

I just hope to god I can fall into a sleep where I can stay.

2009-09-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

that's how you stay alive.
when it hurts so much you can't breathe
that's how you survive.
by remembering that one day
somehow
possibly
you won't feel this way
it won't hurt this much...

grief comes in its own time
for everyone
in its own way

the best we can do
the best anyone can do
is try from honesty...

the really shitty thing
the very worst part of grief
is that you can't control it.

so the best we can do
is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
and let it go when we can.
the very worst part is
the minute you think you're past it
it starts all over again.

and always
every time
it takes your breath away.

grief looks different on all of us
but it's always the same.

denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.

you can have it all. my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
full of broken bones I cannot repair.
beneath the stains of time. the feelings disappear. you are someone else. I am still right here.

what have I become, my sweetest friend?
everyone I know goes away in the end.

and you can have it all. my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.

I can't remember....

2009-09-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

it’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song
you can’t believe it
you were always singing along
it was so easy and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to feel the beat.

you spend half of your life trying to fall behind
you’re using your headphones to drown out your mind
it was so easy, and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to move your feet.

it was so easy and the words so sweet
you can’t remember. you try to feel the beat.

...using my headphones to drown out my mind...

2009-09-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

wanted: single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
sought by single m: mrs.destiny, send photo to address, is it you and me?

reply to single m: my name is caroline cell phone number here, call if you have the time
28 and bored, grieving over loss, sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost.

reply to caroline: thanks so much for response, these things can be scary
not always what you want
how about a drink? the st.jude club at noon?
I'll phone you first I guess
I hope I see you soon.

I never got your name, I assume you're 33
your voice it sounded kind
I hope that you like me
when you see my face, I hope that you don't laugh
I'm not a film-star beauty
I sent a photograph
I hope that you don't laugh...

note to single m: why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour and finally gave up
I thought once that I saw you, I thought that you saw me
I guess we'll never meet now
It wasn't meant to be
I was sure that you saw me, but it wasn't meant to be.

wanted: single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
sought by single m:
nothing too heavy, send photo to address
is it you?
or me?

now dance f*cker dance

2009-09-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

downfall rising.

kickass.

I enjoyed the hell out of them tonight.

badass.

...but am I ready to face it?

2009-09-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

if the eyes are the windows to the soul
then grief is the door
as long as its closed, its the barrier between knowing and not knowing
walk away from it and it stays closed forever
but open it and walk through it and pain becomes truth.

and now I'm faced with the struggle for my own survival that I always knew was coming...

truth be told...

2009-09-16T21:38:00.001-07:00

I miss you.

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

Sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out

hey, this fire is burning us up....

2009-09-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

So we made the hard decision
And we each made an incision
Past our muscles and our bones
Saw our hearts were little stones

Pulled them out they weren't beating
And we weren't even bleeding
As we lay them on the granite counter top

We beat 'em up
Against each other
We beat 'em up
Against each other
We struck 'em hard
Against each other
We struck 'em so hard
So hard
Until they sparked.

only you know the story of this one...

2009-09-11T22:24:00.000-07:00

You can grin, but you cant hide
All the emptiness inside
Since she left you like spit in the rain.

Without doubt it is true
She was the only love you knew
Now she's gone, it fades away
Like spit in the rain.

You can try to figure out
Why you mean nothing to her now
But you might just as well
Just go spit in the rain.

Without doubt it is true
Without her there's only you
But with a little luck and a little time
You'll pull through.

I can't get you out of my head....

2009-09-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say
or do.

the chaos...
and your absence.
I miss you.
more than words can express.

I only know...in this moment...that I love you.
and that you are always in my heart.

I thro oringas in the preest....

2009-09-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

I had almost forgotten what this feeling felt like. almost.

a few days ago.

now it's back.

I'm lost again.

and I'm choosing to be lost again.

and for tonight, I am okie with it.

we are. we just are. and what happens just happens.

2009-08-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

youtube

I'm not alright....

2009-08-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

I see the lights are turning and I look outside
The stars are burning through this changing time
It could have been anything we want
It's fine, salvation was just a passing thought
It was just a passing thought.

Don't wait, act now
This amazing offer won't last long
It's the only chance to save the path we're on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
And in time we'll sort it out.

And though they say it's possible
To me, I don't see how it's probable
I see the course we're on spinning farther from what I know
I'll hold on
Tell me that you won't let go.
Tell me that you won't let go.

And the truth is such a funny thing
With all these people
Keep on telling me
They know what's best
And what to be frightened of
And all the rest are wrong
They know nothing about us.
They know nothing about us.

I'm not alright.

This could be something beautiful
Combine our love into something wonderful
But times are tough I know
And the pull of what we can't give up takes hold.

its such a perfect day....

2009-08-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

I float in a pool of darkness
Cold presses in on me
I am alone
Floating aimlessly
I reach for sparks of hope
But rather than warm
They only burn

I ache with sorrow
I hunger to leave
To escape
To leave this prison
I crave to be free
To be heard
To be loved

I'm the hero of the story, I don't need to be saved...

2009-08-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

When the knell rung for the dying
Sounds for me.
And my corpse coldly is lying
Beneath the green tree.

When the turf, strangers are heaping
Covers my breast
Come not to gaze on me, weeping
I am at rest.

one way....

2009-08-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

there is an anchor on my soul.
this heavy weight is pulling me down.
deeper than I've ever been before.

how do I escape?
do I let it sink me?
must I let it sink me?
only in order to breathe?

must I feel lost to find some sense of order?
I don't know how.
I don't know how to push to pull.
I don't know how to escape.

save for one way.

hate me today

2009-08-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

I downshifted as I pulled into the driveway.
the motor screaming out stuck in second gear.
the scene ends badly as you might imagine,
in a cavalcade of anger and fear.

there will be feasting and dancing in jerusalem next year.

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

how?

2009-08-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

No, I can’t forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way this story goes.
You always smile....
But in your eyes your sorrow shows
It shows.

And now it’s only fair that I should let you know
What you should know.

I can't live
If living is without you.
I can’t give anymore.
I can’t live
If living is without you.
I can’t give,
I can’t give anymore.

to be?

2009-08-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

will you let me disappear for a while? everyone else seems to do it so easily. why do I feel so tied down?

oh susie q....

2009-08-12T20:12:00.001-07:00

I miss my bestie.

progress on the house...

2009-08-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

amazing tool we found that helped us put the floor in...

the blue blue bathroom...hopefully I'ma put some orange art in there to off-set it a bit. :P

Andy thought the porch rails were too high. I said they were just perfect. ;) doesn't that look comfy?

the floor. and this is where our bed is. the bathroom is just there to the left. AC unit, under which is a dresser...

Quarter round. I love the floor. I think its so badass. ;)

amazing. :)

soil and six feet under....

2009-08-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

so. painting the house.

scary.

scary color...

I don't know if I like it.

it looks....greenish. :S

but I'm sure it will be fine....

.....right?

ohman.

and going to get cement in a few. for an amazing porch.

I miss our contractor...

all we can do is keep breathing....

2009-07-29T22:34:00.000-07:00

I wish that I could tell people that things will be okie. I wish I could tell them not to be sad. I wish I could cheer them up somehow.

I wish I could do all the things I want to. all the things I CAN do, but that I'm too scared to do.

but the things we wish for most often are not what is the best for us....

no?

tonight's gonna be a good night....

2009-07-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

first to be with you in the beginning.

first to be with you in the end.

much love.

make me immortal with a kiss....

2009-07-19T16:34:00.000-07:00

They're playing our song
They're playing our song
Can you see the lights?
Can you hear the hum?

Of our song
I hope they get it right
I hope we dance tonight
Before we, get it wrong

And the seasons
Will change us new
Be the best I've known
and you know me
I could not be stuck on you
If it were true

I was sleeping
My eyes were dark
Til you woke me
And told me that opening
is just the start
it was

Now I see you, til kingdom come
You're the one I want
To see me for all the stupid shit I've done

Soil and six feet under
Killed just like we were
Before you knew you'd know me
And you know me

Blooming up from the ground
3 Rounds and a sound
Like whispering you know me
And you know me

So this was our song
This was our song
I still see the lights
I can see them

And the criss cross
Of what is true, won't get to us
Cause you know me
I could not give up on you

And the fog of what is right
Won't cover us cause you know me
I could not give up a fight

I drew a new face and I laughed....

2009-07-15T02:13:00.000-07:00

my dearest.
I cannot tell you how much you mean to me.
so that's where this post ends. ;)

only kidding.
I will try. ;)

thank you for being my husband. you understand me.
one year with you.
I've been the happiest this year than any other year in my life.
you make me feel so beautiful always and so loved.
some of the best parts of my days are when you make me laugh.
and some of the best parts of my days are when I see you smile or laugh.
you make my life.
I love you.

I will be the one who loves you the most....

2009-07-15T01:58:00.000-07:00

I am here. unable to close my eyes. unable to let the darkness overcome me.

I feel a...heaviness in my soul.

wake up.

hold my hand.

don't leave.

wake up.

inhale these deep breaths with me for one more day.

watch the time go by beside me, not knowing, not caring.

just be.

red lips so kissable....

2009-07-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

365 days, my love. ;)

remember this, my love...

2009-07-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

When the sky is falling from above you
And the wind is raging from the coast
And you want someone who truly loves you
I will be the one who loves you the most.

When the masquerade and burlesqued balls
Become too ordinary to boast
You complain about the parade and curtain calls
I will be the one who loves you the most
Yeah, I will be the one who loves you the most.

When the women with their stolen graces
Don't invite you to play host
To their daughters with fake faces
I will be the one who loves you the most.

When all the debutantes desert you
And all the doorways are all closed
And the harlequins have hurt you
I will be the one who loves you the most.
I will be the one who loves you the most.

When your suitors sneering swank beside you
And leave you hollow like a ghost
And you just want somebody to confide to
I will be the one who loves you the most.
I will be the one who loves you the most.

See, when you forgive your imperfections
And you've auctioned all your clothes
And look to see your true reflection
You will be the one who loves you the most.
You will be the one who loves you the most.
You will be the one who loves you the most.

One of the beasts nipped the left leg of my jeans and tugged.

2009-07-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

Grief can destroy you - or focus you. You can decide a

relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in

death, and you are alone. Or you can realize that every

moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize

at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just

lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each

day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the SACREDNESS

of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to

see it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just

watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or

washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric

bill. It was everything, it was the WHY Of life, every

event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery

of existence is the love you shared sometimes so

imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper

beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off

your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees

not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what

preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one

day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness,

to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.

Dean Koontz. Odd Hours.

we can live like jack and sally if we want...

2009-07-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

"Fire scares me, yes, and earthquakes, and venomous snakes. People scare me more than anything, for I know too well the savagery of which humankind is capable."

see if you can push me before I pull the trigger....

2009-07-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

Public Enemies.

Johnny Depp.
Marion Cotillard.
Christian Bale.
Leelee Sobieski.

A.MAZING. oh.my.god. go watch it now. NOW, dammit. it is super fantastic. and yes, I am this excited about it.

because people like us...can go quietly....

2009-06-30T21:52:00.001-07:00

the SEXIEST woman on the planet. or one of them. I am in love with her. Marion Cotillard.

to you. from me. always.

2009-06-30T18:17:00.002-07:00

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick. and think of you.
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new.

Sometimes you picture me. I'm walking too far ahead.
You're calling to me....I can't hear what you have said.
Then you say...
Go slow.
I fall behind.
The second hand unwinds.

If you're lost you can look and you will find me.
Time after time.
If you fall I will catch you. I'll be waiting.
Time after time.

Watching through windows...you're wondering if I'm okie.
Secrets stolen from deep inside.
The storm beats out of time.

If you're lost....

then you say, go slow...I'll fall behind...

2009-06-30T18:17:00.001-07:00

my words cannot suffice. so I shall borrow from others. perhaps for a while now.

and we'll never go to sleep. and I'll never even yawn...

2009-06-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

today. my brother called me. his girlfriend is pregnant. leave it to the unmarried ones to have the first kid. :P

today. I am the most glad to have a moped. we escaped approximately 3 hours of traffic.

today. I am the most excited and nervous I have ever been to go visit someone. ;)

today. I have been too happy. and too sad.

tell her any way you can...not sorry....

2009-06-25T23:21:00.001-07:00

I wanna make enough money
To run my life
From the top of a mountain
In the dead of night
It’ll be you and me
And a couple of dogs
And the rest of the world
Can just move on
Cuz i got what i want
And i got what i need
And there’s nothing
In this world
But you
For me

And there’ll be fish in the lake
And there’ll be chickens on the lawn
And we’ll never go to sleep
And i’ll never even yawn
And you’ll tell me lots of stories
About when i was old
And i wasn’t too much fun then
From all the stories i been told
Now i got what i want
And i got what i need
And there’s nothing
In this world
But you
For me

And all the those little things we like to talk about
All those little things we like to say
Nothing even matters at all
‘cept for how we live today

And we can sit up on the mountain
I can hold your hand
And we’ll forget all that we learned
And we’ll forget our plans
And we can see things clearly
In the absence of the light
And we’ll realize there’s nothing
More than this tonight
And i got what i want
And i got what i need
And there’s nothing
In this world
But you
For me

you are someone else...I am still right here....

2009-06-22T00:10:00.000-07:00

I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain...the only thing that's real.
What have I become.
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know goes away in the end.

I think there is a tree frog in my house. or a cricket or two. it's quite loud now. or maybe it's just especially quiet otherwise.

I wish my mind was quiet. it's raging a storm. it's interesting to watch. and listen to. so I s'pose I don't wish my mind was quiet. someone once said that we only wish for the wrong things.

I started Dean Koontz's third book tonight. Brother Odd. good so far...I won't know for sure though until I finish it. until the end.

I've been thinking a good bit about death recently. and how I might die. and if I'll be ready. I want to be ready. so I try to prepare my mind for it. but I don't know I'm doing it correctly. or if it's working.

mad world.

daddy's got a new .45....

2009-06-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

father's day.

pop, I love you. I wish I could see you today.

also. to andy. guess how I tell you? ;)